Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
  • comments
  • views

Day one

Sign in to follow this  


Things aren't easy right now. This illness hits like a freight train sometimes. I've got very dark thoughts rushing through my head. I've thought about ending myself a few hundred times today, and I instinctively want to be away from people because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am, and my life is.


It's an illness. Thoughts that aren't backed up by anything, but they're fed to me by my brain, which I need to be able to trust, and I cannot. Then I guess I cannot, and I'll need to find a way to work around that.


Today I woke up, worked out, did my book work, pulled around a twelve hour day at work, spent a couple of hours hanging out with a woman who's starting to mean a fair bit to me. It's a good day I guess. The work out was good too;  for some reason my numbers have gone up despite not having worked out in months... maybe I'm just more emotional now, and that's helping? I don't know, you've got to take the small victories I guess.


I've got a migraine too, and have had for the past many hours. There's this torrential downpour of horrible thoughts I'm trying to keep at bay, and my head is aching as a result.



So I'm losing right now, that's fine, that's part of it. Minimise the damage, and push through, wait until things swing in the other direction and keep building every little positive element of my life that I can to help bring more positive things in. I'll lose if I have to, for as long as I have to, and I'll use that suffering as a driving force to keep me going.


Come at me.

Sign in to follow this  

1 Comment

Recommended Comments

The drive and the speed. Hopefully your mind doesn’t take control too much and start dictating your action.

I’ve crashed hard a couple of times, trying to speed and power through over and over again.

Had to eventually step back from everything and slow down to investigate and figure out what to do with my mind and my life in general. 

Because shit went out of control eventually. 

Hope all goes well for you sincerely.


Edited by JJayy

Share this comment

Link to comment
  • Create New...