Things aren't easy right now. This illness hits like a freight train sometimes. I've got very dark thoughts rushing through my head. I've thought about ending myself a few hundred times today, and I instinctively want to be away from people because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am, and my life is.
It's an illness. Thoughts that aren't backed up by anything, but they're fed to me by my brain, which I need to be able to trust, and I cannot. Then I guess I cannot, and I'll need to find a way to work around that.
Today I woke up, worked out, did my book work, pulled around a twelve hour day at work, spent a couple of hours hanging out with a woman who's starting to mean a fair bit to me. It's a good day I guess. The work out was good too; for some reason my numbers have gone up despite not having worked out in months... maybe I'm just more emotional now, and that's helping? I don't know, you've got to take the small victories I guess.
I've got a migraine too, and have had for the past many hours. There's this torrential downpour of horrible thoughts I'm trying to keep at bay, and my head is aching as a result.
So I'm losing right now, that's fine, that's part of it. Minimise the damage, and push through, wait until things swing in the other direction and keep building every little positive element of my life that I can to help bring more positive things in. I'll lose if I have to, for as long as I have to, and I'll use that suffering as a driving force to keep me going.
Come at me.