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Tell no one

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January 5

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By far 2019 has treated me just like the last year. It hasn't been an easy start for this new year. I've got lots of hope but not many expectations. 

Today is a lot easier. I am able to write. I have been able to achieve quite many things actually. Small things maybe for someone else but for me going to a mall with the family is a huge deal. Or getting off the bed is really something. 

I haven't been able to do anything lately. I sleep around the clock and won't get up. I just lie there. I am physically so exhausted that I can't stand or walk. Anxiety is killin me. My heart is hurting. It's bleeding. 

I pop pills too much. I can't stand the reality. I want to sleep so I won't feel. I've taken pretty much all drugs I could find at home. It's getting out of hands again. 

I met a nurse earlier this week. She thought that I should be back at the ward. I know that's the only safe place for me right now but I don't want to go back just yet. I can still manage somehow at home. I have to. I need to be at home for my husband and kids. Though I am no use here. 

I have a doctor's appointment in three weeks but I am not sure if I can make it so long. I need something stronger for anxiety. I would probably use any drug wrong right now but I just can't deal with this. I'm afraid if I go to an emergency room they'll send me for a psychiatric evaluation and that's a ticket back to psych ward. 

I am not living, I am barely surviving. 

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