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The Fun Never Ends....

20YearsandCounting

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I seem to have lost a blog post, several PM convos, and the ability to start new PM convos..... I smell a glitch.  I can't even find any record of what I did yesterday in my activity feed.  It's all gone, I guess.  Bummer.  Par for the course for me lately. 

When I wrote my last blog post, I was feeling pretty suicidal - but don't be alarmed.  I know that sounds antithetical, but I've lived with suicidal thoughts for many years now.  They are not constant anymore, and I have frequent periods where I feel pretty much what 'normal' must be.  So I'm making progress.  It's still a moment to moment, narrow thing. 

The short of it is that I am pushing 50 and my youngest is in her senior year in high school and has moved in with her boyfriend's family.  It's a long story as to why.  My middle one just moved across state to live with my mom while he gets his degree.  My oldest lives a short distance away, but I"m lucky to get over to see her and her family about once or twice a month. 

So, they're all gone.  And all I can think about is what I messed up and what I didn't do.  It was really bad this weekend when we met my mom halfway to drop my middle kid off.  Well, I guess I can't say kid - he's in his early to mid-twenties.  My oldest is nearing thirty, and my youngest is already 18.

Anyway, that's the struggle.  Breathing. Working. Repeat.  Breathe. Work. Repeat.  Breathing is astonishingly difficult right now.  I don't know how I'm going to manage work.

anime-boy-with-torn-heart-bloody.jpg.495c7731713ee4bdb7cec977c5770ce4.jpg



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It sounds like you're really struggling with symptoms right now, I'm sorry to hear it.

I read the blog entry that was lost due to the glitch. If I'm remembering right, you wrote about wishing you could've given more time to parenting. Do I have that correct? I remember the half-eaten corpse image but not details of the post, so I wonder what that says about me. 

Anyways I think it's likely you did a great job raising children. How difficult that had to be in addition to fighting depression, I cannot even imagine. 

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Hi Beyond,

You do a thoughtful, very useful job here, and I thank you for that.  Like Atra, I commend you for raising three people and giving them a sense of purpose.  That's the best legacy you can provide your children.  It's always hard for me to advise people who have clearly done a better job of breathing, working, and repeating than I could manage.  You, along with most here including me, do have trouble giving yourself enough credit.  It's going around and I hope you feel better soon.

 

Bulgakov

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I raised my brother's wife's kid. Back before he could do for himself, we had to watch him so close, he was constantly making a mess and that stirred up my depression, but my brother and his wife never gave up on leaving the children with us. When my dad was dying of cancer, my brother piled his kids on mom and I, and it was chaos.

The kid is now 19 years old. It's so hard to believe it because I met him when he was 6 months old. Mom and I raised him..

But yes raising kids, I think, is bad for your health, imo. 

My health began going down really bad after he was old enough to take care of himself. I went through calming teas like crazy back then.

Like you, I used to beat myself up and not give myself enough credit for things I done.

I can only imagine the struggles you have everyday with having your children. I only raised 2.

I believe that you can have rest soon. I know you need it. Please know that you're not alone; we are here and if you need a friend, I'll be one.

For me, writing gets the yuck out of my mind and heart, so they become clean again. It's possible to change your lifestyle / way of living. And a lot of the beginning is watching your words and thoughts.

We can actually predict our own future by our words, because what you put out is what you get. Reap what you sow.

Instead of wish, and I wish, say 'I have', even if it's not true for the moment... because you can cause it to 'manifest'. My spirituality has not let me down so far.

I'm sending you positive vibes.. 🙂 

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