I just feel compelled to catalog today.
I had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist after work. My plan was to talk about starting to taper me off of Zoloft (and my appointments) ultimately because I knew I'd be losing my insurance in the next month or two from losing my job. But also because I know that the worst symptoms from my episode had passed. I still feel general malaise and outrageous anxiety, but that's how I was before this shit year and the antidepressants never touched that.
But this afternoon I got a call from my boss... from her chemo treatment, no less. She asked me to work on something for her tomorrow while she's off recovering from treatment and then wanted to give me a heads up that it looks like I'll be getting my 30 day notice on Wednesday, meaning that my last day of work will be January 4.
Of course, I knew this was coming. For 4 years I knew this was coming. But the reality of it is a whole different story. She wanted me to know because rolling into the new year means I'd lose any PTO saved over 80 hours. By the end of the year, I'll have about 130 hours saved. I told her that knowing I'd be out of a job, I'd rather lose the hours than sacrifice my overtime pay. She felt bad and said she'd work on convincing her boss to prevent us from losing any PTO with the new year. I believe her...she managed to get her boss to give us all a $2500 bonus for staying until we're laid off. I hope it works out... 50 hours of pay is a lot to lose just because they didn't give us our notices until after December started.
Anyway. So I'm losing my job in a month. And I don't have to see my psychiatrist again if I don't want to. And I'll be off the meds in a month. And this is going to be a hell of a month for me.
I'm honestly scared about being able to pay my bills and find a new job. I had a good long talk with Bryan about that and my fear of losing him over how crazy I might get through all of this, but being the good man he is, he talked me down and got me to laugh. I think we'll be able to get through this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...