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waiting to die

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allalone6

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 i feel like a total failure. i dont understand whats wrong with me. how did i allow my life to get this screwed up. i feel so empty and lonely. Since my early 20s i held on to hope that life would get better...thats what kept me going, i promised myself that years from now, i would look back at this sadness and tell myself it was all worth it. 15 years later....and its still the same...except quieter. all i learned over the years was to hide my depression. i literally just go thru the motions of the day.
 
my 20 yr high school reunion is next weekend. im totally not going..i didnt have a great high school experience and the last thing i need is to see and hear how everyone is married, with kids. All i wanted in life was to be a mom. i really thought it would happen for me, someday. i think giving myself hope that it would is what screwed me up. 
 
what is my purpose, what do i deserve, why was i even born?
 
i feel so empty. and really fear the future of growing old alone. im just getting thru each day...waiting to die
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Sorry that you are feeling so bad...I know the "existential angst" of which you wrote about. I'm closing in on 60 years old and still often wonder why I'm here.

Please don't hasten death, OK?

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Oh, allalone6, my heart goes out to you! I am sorry you are suffering so badly..I understand and empathize completely, what you said resonates very strongly with me..I wish I could give you one of these for real ((((((HUGS))))))

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