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Tell no one

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November 3

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nhaar

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Thank you for everybody who was concerned about me yesterday. I really appriciate it and it gives me strenght to continue seeking for proper help in this situation. Thank you my friends.

I didn't go back to ER though, I was too tired so I slept till morning. I think it was 6pm so I slept 14 hours. I didn't even change my clothes. I slept wearing jeans and a hoodie.

Yesterday was very weird. Either this depression is turning into psychotic or then it's all because overdosing oxazepam. Probably the latter but it sure felt like last year I had psychotic depression. I don't hear voices or have delusions. (Well, I do have delusions but not in this kind of situation.) It feels like being in a bubble and everything outside the bubble is not existing. I don't hear or see, outside world is out of my reach. I lost track of time and I don't remember anything. For example, yesterday I suddenly realised I was at ER and couldn't remember how I got there and what time or day it was.

I am doing pretty okay in the mornings. That's why I have to write early while I am having my morning coffee. I know most of the readers are asleep while I write this. I am writing from time zone UTC+2. Say hello if you are reading this in the same zone! After morning coffee everything changes. That horrible emptiness, nothingness and guilt take over my mind. Morning meds gives me a great opportunity to take more than I need. I want to take more than I need. I overdose to tolerate this. I take more everytime. I usually take oxazepam which is benzodiazipine but I am running out. I'll take whatever prescription drugs I find at home. Anything will do if it affects central nervous system. I am not an addict. Not yet. I abuse prescription medicines. And if this goes on I'll eventually take fatal dose.

Other severe problem is eating. I am not eating or drinking. I drink coffee and water with my meds but that's it. Sometimes I eat once a day but now I haven't eaten in two days. I am not hungry or thirsty. I am shutting down.

I don't know what today will bring. It's impossible to think ahead. How bad will it get today? Should I go to ER or wait till Monday? Weekends are the worse. The worst because the whole family is at home. My husband has to take care of everything alone. And the kids have to witness all this. Their mother unable to get off the bed and not participating in anything. Terrible guilt to put them through this again. 

 

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