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Tell no one

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November 1

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Another meaningless day without purpose. I am not doing anything. I have no strength or will power but to lie in bed. In the morning I get up for morning coffee and to keep an eye on the kids preparing for school. Sometimes I get some chores done but as soon as the kids leave I sink into my misery.

I was supposed to go to a lab this morning. Get blood test taken. My lithium levels have been allright but now that my doctor increased lithium dose, I have to give blood samples every week. But I didn't go. I don't give damn about lithium levels or how my kidneys are doing. I don't care if I reach toxic level or my kidneys are failing. It's unlikely anyway.

I still feel bad about yesterday's appointment. I am hurt and feel I wasn't heard properly. I'm relieved though I don't have to work for two weeks. It's painful to work in this situation. I hope the meds will do the trick eventually and without too many side-effects. I am now high dose of lithium, two different antipsychotics and an antidepressant. I also take benzos now daily.

It should be three to four weeks the drugs start working. I know it but it's impossible to see that far. I only live hour by hour. I can't remember yesterday and don't believe in tomorrow. There is only this moment, this misery, this nothingness. 


EDIT: I've spent eight hours in my bed staring at the ceiling or wall. I haven't eaten anything. I can't remember anymore how to live. 

EDIT#2: I have to stop taking too many drugs. I'm taking more and more everytime, pushing my limits. 

EDIT#3: I think I should be in a hospital.

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