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Tell no one

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October 30

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I have started my day with sedatives again. I don't need benzos for anxiety but to tolerate this emptiness. Any drug will do that makes my head light. I cut yesterday, skipped all meals and took too many drugs. Still I lied my psychologist about it when she asked. 

Today was different session from previous ones. We didn't go back to my childhood or my relationships. We talked about my depression currently happening and how it makes me feel. I am surprised it happened so fast. I am thinking how could I miss it. I should have seen it coming but I was blaming other things while it was happening in front of me. I feel guilty that I am in this situation again. Maybe I did something wrong? What triggered depression this time? I try to think hard but there is no answer. It's just random brain chemistry.

The medication will be fixed for sure. This combination is not working for me right now. I am now on lithium and seroquel. I have given few thoughts about medication but I am sure the doctor has an opinion too. I haven't met this doctor before so I don't know what to expect. 

My psychologist said that if I didn't have an appointment tomorrow, she would have sent me to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation because the situation is that bad whether I think otherwise or not. She said that the doctor tomorrow will most likely suggest hospitalization so I need to think about it and form some kind of opinion.

I am in panic. I need more time to think about this. Obviously I need to talk about this with my husband because he's the one who is left with three kids alone. I don't know how to tell him it's this bad again. And how would he manage everything alone? There are so many things to think ahead and so many arrangements that must be done. And who would help him? And how many weeks I would stay in the hospital? Too many questions without an answer.


I don't know what to do.

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