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October 29

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nhaar

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My calendar says today is October 29. I would't know without my phone calendar what day it is. So, it's last Monday of October and this is my first diary note. It's reassuring only to write about this moment and what's going on in my mind at this very moment. No pressure.

I slept too much again. I missed my evening meds because I fell asleep so early. So I was little agitated in the morning but at least I got some chores done. I have nothing to do today. I was supposed to meet my son's teacher but I cancelled. I can't meet anybody. Not now. I can't fake even for 15 minutes meeting. It's too exhausting. I can't even return to messages.

Today is all about waiting for tomorrow. I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. It doesn't change anything but at least I feel I am doing something for this situation. And I need someone professional to acknowledge I am depressed again. I am also meeting a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I have no expectations so far. This has all happened so fast I haven't got enough time to think. Something must be done. Fixing the medication at least. I am not sure how severe my condition is. It feels severe but then again I've got some hope this time. It could be because it's been so little time since the last time. I know it's possible to survive. I did it few months ago and a year ago so I can do it now too. I have to survive.

I've still got no emotions. I feel nothing. No purpose or meaning. Just numb. Sometimes I almost feel anxiety about not having any feelings but then it slips away. Anxiety would be better than nothingness. I took some pills as soon as the kids had left the house. Benzo high to get me through this day. To tolerate emptiness. Or sleep through the day.

 

I am lost in nothingness.

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"I am lost in nothingness"

These five words are the perfect summation for my life as well.

 

I hope your doctors/therapists can help you pry yourself out of this block of numbness..

 

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I am sorry you are going through this emptiness too @LonelyHiker. We'll make it somehow. This can't continue forever. 

I slept five hours after taking some sedatives. First snow had fallen during my sleep. Everything is white, silent and calm. Just like my mind now after taking more sedatives. This is how I cope with this. 

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