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Tell no one

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hey God

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nhaar

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Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on, Seems like all the good shits gone, It keep on getting harder hanging on.

All the good shits definitely gone. I had a friend over but I didn't enjoy. I felt nothing. The last few days have been slightly better. Or could be worse for I've stopped crying and become numb. Hard to tell yet. I want to cut more too. I want the outside look as ugly and hurt as the inside. Does that make sense? My life is ugly. There is no beauty in sadness or melancholy. There is no beauty or dignity in death.

Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream, These days you're even hard to believe, I know how busy you must be, but Hey God... Do you ever think about me.

Does He ever think about me? Does He even exist? My struggle is too much for one person. What's the point? Where is my prize? I've suffered 20 years. What if the next 20 years will be the same? What's the point trying if there is no hope of change? I can't see future, I can't see next day. 

I don't have real faith in God. Sometimes I wish I did. I wish all my struggle had a purpose. That this pain and hell on Earth serve the purpose. Life is random. Unlikely and random and it gives me great comfort to know there's a way out. No life after, no awareness. Eternity. Nothing after. I can't be certain of each and other. Tricky part is to have enough faith.

I'd get down on my knees, I'm going to try this thing your way.

hey God,

Do you see me struggling? Do you see me broken? Sometimes my illness threaten to crush me and my pain threatens to suffocate me.

You are the God that parts waters and splits mountins. I know that you can do anything. Give me patience, endurance, perseverance and faith to beat my illness again and again withouth giving up.

Please forgive me the times I try to figure this life out on my own and take my life into my own hands. 

God, I need a victory from this battle of my mind that wants to k i l l me. At least hear me and give me some hope. Amen.

 

 

 

Quotes are lyrics from my favorite artist Bon Jovi. Thank you for writing this song.

 

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Wow JD you have far more experience on this than I've got. I asume you haven't found an answer but you've come very far living this nightmare. Sometimes I wish I had real faith. Especially today. Meaningless and insignificant enough to test my faith in my life.

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3 minutes ago, nhaar said:

Wow JD you have far more experience on this than I've got. I asume you haven't found an answer but you've come very far living this nightmare. Sometimes I wish I had real faith. Especially today. Meaningless and insignificant enough to test my faith in my life.

I know what you mean. Personally, I'm pretty sure there was a force that "created" the universe. But based on the conditions I see around the world, I can only conclude that the creative force is either 1. aloof and removed from our daily existence, or 2. is sadistic and vengeful. I hope it's the former, but fear that it's the latter.

Edited by JD4010

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