I no longer write my main blog. I no longer eat regularly. I no longer do my assignment my psychologist gives me. We are trying to overcome my delusional fears but I no longer care. Everything is pointless. I am still going work but I don't know how long. What's the point working with people when I no longer want to have any human contact. I don't want to see my family or friends. I don't care about them anymore.
I am hurting. I am cutting again too but I'm not physically hurting. I do it for few minutes endorphine rush that gives my brain a break from anxiety. Benzodiazepines do the trick too but I am saving them. Just for the case I need an escape.
This week has been hard. I can't really remember but I remember it's been hard. I barely remember what day it is. It's probably because kids have a fall break from school this week and my husband hasn't been working all week. My depression isn't that bad yet but eventually my brain will shut down again.
My husband brought up some relationship issues and I have to find strength to answer him. I asked for a time-out before answering. He wrote me a long message about how he doesn't know anymore what I want from him if anything and therefore he can't see future with me. I don't know how to tell him. My illness controls me and I've lost myself. I am no capable of marriage or relationship. I have nothing to give. He doesn't see our future but I don't see any future. I don't see my life to continue. I can't see my kids growing up. I see nothing. I wish he found somebody else to share our life with. I know my kids love me so much but I am not a good care-taker. They deserve better.
I am only learning how devastating this illness is. When I got a bipolar disorder diagnosis a year ago I thought finally things would get better. Finally I had diagnosis that made sense and right medication to improve a quality of my life. I thought I had already faced the worst during these 20 years of illness. But the worst is ahead. I have found a combination of medication that prevents highs but now I've learned that it doesn't prevent depression. It happens again and again no matter what and now it seems that nothing happening in my life seems to contribute to it. It seems to be random brain chemistry.
I am tired. I seem to have four severe episodes in one year. That seems to be the cycle now. That is just crazy. I was in a hospital for severe depression few months ago. Depression turned into hypomania overnight while I was in hospital. And then hypomania turned back to depression. I need a break from this. I need to heal and feel normal for at least few months.
Why all this struggle when there is no prize?
I no longer can do this. Can't do this life.