Jump to content

Tell no one

  • entries
    83
  • comments
    119
  • views
    4,859

Rejected

Sign in to follow this  
nhaar

352 views

It happened again. 

I re-lived one of the most traumatic incidents of my life. I was rejected by my parents when I desperately cried for help. A cry after cry I was ignored. This has wounded me deeply. I forget it time to time but then suddenly one word pushes me off the edge and I am left hurt and angry again. 

This is what happened. 

I texted my mother if we could see. I really felt like talking because I was excited about going back to work. I don't share much with her but sometimes I get this feeling that I really need her. She told me she was having my sister over so I didn't want to crash. My sister is pregnant so that would have been all we taked about.

So, I suggested my mom if she liked to go for a walk later in the evening (we are basically neighbours). Before I pushed 'send' something inside me told me not to do that so I wouldn't disappoint. Her answer was 'no'. 

And right then and there tears rolled down my cheeks and I felt as devastated as sixteen years ago. Somehow my fragile mind found a connection to my traumatic experience.  All the same feelings like a wave flushed over me. 

How cannot I get over it? It's been sixteen years but I just can't let it go.

This is what happened sixteen years ago.

I was eighteen, mentally ill and suicidal. I had been mentally ill years but they couldn't see it. Not even when I was having panic attacks at the age of ten. I had hid it all because I had learned not to talk about difficult things. 

But now I had to tell. I had to tell I couldn't go to school anymore. I was too ill. It was the hardest thing I had ever done that far. I don't know what I expected. Caring? Support? Love? I got nothing.

And it wasn't just that. When I overdosed and didn't wake up all day, it was like it never happened. When my father picked me up from from bars or lockup, it didn't happen either. After second suicidal attempt, nobody picked me up from a hospital. I was screaming in a room full of people but nobody wanted to hear me.

I can't trust them. I can't trust anybody. I can't trust I get help when I need it. Or at least as long as it's about my mental health.

How loud I have to scream? Is my mental illness inappropriate? 

I am so hurt again I won't be telling a thing for a long time. The memory is just too painfull. I will wait until they ask me how I am doing. They stopped asking last year when I got my diagnosis. Maybe it's hard for them for several reasons but that is not an excuse. They are my parents. I am an adult but I am still their child. 

Now I can't write longer. I am in tears.

I am so hurt.

 

Sign in to follow this  


3 Comments


Recommended Comments

I’m so sorry that your mom is not 

there for you when you need her the

most.  We are here if you need us.  Here

is a hug 🤗 for you :hugs:

Share this comment


Link to comment

Hello Nhaar,
I'm here because of my conditions.  But I am also a parent of two (adult) children with their own conditions. 

I don't know you well.  I certainly don't know your parents. Maybe they don't know how to help.  Maybe they have tried all they know and are just as frustrated. 

I hope that your family would always listen, even when they don't have the answers.  But it can be very hard for our family and friends to help us or even listen to us sometimes.    I try to not judge my friends and family harshly, they have their limits too.  They have their own issues to deal with.  I have to remember that and give to them also.  And, thank them for listening to me when I need someone to just listen.

Sometimes, our needs exceed what family can give.  Professionals have a role to play.  Maybe keeping the roles separate can help?

Share this comment


Link to comment
10 minutes ago, mmoose said:

Hello Nhaar,
I'm here because of my conditions.  But I am also a parent of two (adult) children with their own conditions. 

I don't know you well.  I certainly don't know your parents. Maybe they don't know how to help.  Maybe they have tried all they know and are just as frustrated. 

I hope that your family would always listen, even when they don't have the answers.  But it can be very hard for our family and friends to help us or even listen to us sometimes.    I try to not judge my friends and family harshly, they have their limits too.  They have their own issues to deal with.  I have to remember that and give to them also.  And, thank them for listening to me when I need someone to just listen.

Sometimes, our needs exceed what family can give.  Professionals have a role to play.  Maybe keeping the roles separate can help?

MY friend you have just spoken with 

much wisdom because I have six kids 

I raised and three of those are my 

biological children and they are all 

different.  I can’t talk to them like their 

mother can but I love them all,  I just 

do it different than their mother.  I fix

things and make sure they have 

everything they need to make it in

life.  But I’m not the best person to 

handle their issues in life.  I counsel 

and teach because that’s what I’m good

at.  So you bring up a very valet point.

Share this comment


Link to comment
×
×
  • Create New...