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12 months of madness

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12 months of madness. I've ridden this thrill ride called bipolar disorder for some time now. But never have I ever had a year like this. I've ridden too many laps but survived. It's been now four stable weeks! That may sound little but believe me, for me it's really something. 

My depression was psychotic. I wasn't delusional at the time being but I had lost my connection with real world. I felt like I was in a bubble. Everything that was outside the bubble was non-existing. I couldn't feel the ground under my feet. I was still and couldn't speak because I had forgotten how to. I moved extremely slowly and felt like I was missing half of my brain.

I left home without knowing where I was going. I told my son that I may never come back again. Fortunately my feet took me to a hospital. I told I was going to k i l l myself. I had been planning it during the week. Googling drugs and making list of things I needed to take care of before committing it. I was eight weeks in a hospital, got a new diagnose and new medication. Things started to look good and I planned on going back to work.

I started work again on end of November. I felt really good. I had lots of energy, I was motivated and excited. I felt like I had never been better. Now I know all of that was early warning signs I didn't recognize. Mid January I woke up to a feeling that something was wrong. That something was to be my first mixed episode.

It started with depression, anxiety and panic atacks. I also had very vivid and agressive dreams. I woke up screaming. Then came extreme irritation. I was so angry all the time. I yelled at my family and picked fights all the time. 

Soon I learned that I didn't need sleep or food anymore. I slept only few hours every night. I barely ate, I did okay just with water and coffee. I went from manic to depressed in seconds. First my mood went up and down in two days cycle and eventually it changed within hours. I was flying high and then I didn't want to live anymore.

Mood swings went on till early June. Six months !! I worked 12 hours a day, cleaned the house in the middle of the night, I shopped clothes online, my driving was crazy, I couldn't follow conversations and my thoughts (depressive) ran so fast I wanted to cut off my own head. And then suddenly I hit rock bottom again.

It happened so fast. Overnight. I spent weeks in my bed because I was too weak to get up. I planned committing a s u i c i d e. Drowning myself. I couldn't take care of my children anymore. I didn't eat and I slept too much. I was hopeless and ready to give up for good.

I spent a week in a hospital and medication was fixed. Just when I thought depression couldn't get any worse I had entered manic phase. Fortunately I was still a patient in the psych ward so medication was fixed again. It took three week before I started to slow down. 

Now it's been four stable weeks. Well actually mild depression but even that feels good after my 12 months of madness. Lithium and Seroquel seem to keep my mind quiet now and I am planing going back work again.

Will my manic depressive brain finally give me a break?


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Wow, you have been through so much 

my friend, I hope from this point on

you can begin to feel much better and 

experience the high side of life instead 

of the very low end of existing 

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