I have written before about my relationship and my difficulties to be even capable of relationship. I chose to write about this topic again because it's our 15th anniversary today and the occasion has brought some hidden thoughts to my mind.
He will bring red roses and heart shaped chocolate. So nice of him but I just don't care.
We met on a cruise. He was a friend of a friend's friend. Everybody drank too much. He fell for me immediately. I ended up in his cabin. I cried and told nobody could ever make me happy or heal me with love. He didn't believe me. Now we are both unhappy.
We got engaged, had three beautiful children and got married. Too many wrong decisions. I didn't want any of that but I was too weak to say no. Early years with him were difficult. He was 23-year-old child and I was left with deep emotional scars. Never learned to trust him again. I was too sick to handle the person he was. Nobody picked me up from hospital when I tried to k i l l myself.
It's like it never happened. My problems never happened.
He has changed for better but I am still the same. I can't speak up my mind because I don't trust anybody. I don't want to hold hands, I don't like hugs and kisses. I hate all that. I am hurt and broken person.
When he was depressed and drank too much I took care of everything. The children and the house. He treated me like s h i t and I did all that for him even though my mental healt was much worse than his situation. That was the hardest time of my life and he doen't even know it. Nobody knows how I suffered.
I am not sure if I love him anymore or if I ever did. It was false idea of healthy relationship. Now he's good to me and a great father that's all I want from him. But he doesn't know how much he has hurt me. He never apologized and I never forgave him. What's the point telling anymore? I depend on him because he takes care of the kids when I can't. But he doesn't know my illness. He hasn't bothered to study. He thinks I am normal when I am manic. He thinks I care about roses and heart shaped chocolate. But we are a good team. We and the kids.
How many wrong decisions there are to make? I never wanted this life and now I am stuck. And there's nobody else than myself to blame.