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just another vent

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i feel so off today, can barely crack a smile, in recent years i used to fear feeling this way cause coworkers would give me a hard time "grumpy again?" it would make me feel guilty and horrible for letting my feelings show thru. today its different, that has stopped, but i still feel horrible that i cant pretend better. im ready and prepared for the "whats the matter" question with my "im just wicked tired today" lamo answer...but lucky for me...no one cares to ask or notice.
ive had pb&j sandwhiches for dinner for the past 3 nights....i keep forgetting to take food out of the freezer and i also have no desire to cook. 
im tired all day cause im not taking care of myself or eating properly. i see it, but yet cant stop it. 
so anyways,  im trying to fundraise for a charity event....i was able to get a local restaurant to give 10% of sales to my event as a dine to donate as long as people bring in the flyer...so i put it all over facebook....town group pages....all my "friends", i sent emails out, asked people to share.....and well....part of the problem of being a friendless....no one cares to help or share or promote it, not that its anyones job....but....i guess I only got 3 people to patron the place with the flyer... 😕 its fine... i didnt anticipate people swarming there but i did hope some cared to do it. its just more embarrassing than anything cause i see the owner of the restaurant almost daily cause he is the landlord for my office. but no biggie. I hate fundraising...i love doing whatever the activity it is for the charity, i just struggle with getting donations cause of just who i am. 
its one thing to be sad but its another to be sad and lonely. it become a vicious cycle cause im not always strong enough to talk myself out of it. Im so afraid to grow old alone, but even more afraid to die alone. im going to end up being one of those people who is found dead in there home like 4 years later cause no one noticed.
i know this is all over the place...but i just needed to vent
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