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Am I ready to go back?

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I am facing a situation where I need to reach somekind of a decision I feel good about. No, I am not talking about a life changing sort of decision but simply whether to continue my sick leave or go to work and how do I feel about my medication.

I am meeting my psychiatrist tomorrow so I need to give this some thoughts now. Writing helps me process difficult questions. I know my doctor is professional but ultimately the decision is mine to make. I'm not comfortable with either option so I need to look a little closer. Let's asume that I go back to work the October first. I want to make this assumption because eventally I will have to go back.

In order to go back to work some adjustments need to be made to my medication. I am now on lithium and quetiapine (Seroquel). My daily dosage is 900mg lithium and 700mg Seroquel. This is for preventing manic episode but also works well stopping depression. I am quite happy with lithium but Seroquel is not that simple. Side-effects are not too severe but definitely making things harder. 

I think I have  quite a reasonable suggestion to present my psychiatrist. I want to quit Seroquel. I am not manic anymore so I think I can do without antipsychotics. I will keep lithium and see how well it works alone preventing new episodes. Quiting Seroquel brings many good things like being able to work. I have irregular working hours so my medication need to work irregular hours too. I will come and tell you guys what my doctor thought about my suggestion.

The work. Yes, irregular hours. Morning, afternoon, evening, late night. Not good for a person with bipolar disorder. I was only diagnosed last year but I've been sick forever. I have also worked irregular hours forever. So, I guess I can manage that with very little harm.  This could be a risk though but it's impossible to know in advance. It could be two months and I would be back at square one. I wish I had a crystal ball...

The money. Of course the money is better at work than doing nothing at home. My psychologist says it's not doing nothing. It's healing. She is a wise woman and she tells me don't go work, it's too early. I have a family of five. I need that money. I also like to buy things I don't really need. Just because I can. Money is important and seems like I haven't learned to rank my mental health over a house and a car.

Home alone. I think I have reached the point where healing alone at home doesn't help me anymore. I have nothing to do but write. I've become passive and separated from the world out there. Of course working full-time and running a family is hard. I don't miss all that hurry and being tired all the time but it has got some benefits. I love people I work with. I miss them so much. At work I belong to a group. Everybody needs a community. Now I am lonely.

So what's the conclusion? Will lithium prevent new episodes? How does irregular working hours affect my bipolar disorder? Will money buy happiness? Could I thrive at work despite of my illness? Will busy life make me sick again? Do I know my own limits?


I'll take my chances. I will get back to work in October. I need to crash and burn one more time to know my limits. I will get back to work even it was for two months or a year. 

Fingers crossed my doctor approves.

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Well, my friend I do understand missing your work community and the working

relationship that you have with them is enough to make you want to go back to work.

Just make sure you are really ready to go back because at work anything can happen

and you have to be ready for any change or anything out of the norm that disrupt our

flow on the job.   I pray everything work out well for you and have fun going back to

work and reuniting with co- workers.

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