I wanted to write about anxiety but funnily, I am actually too anxious to write about anything but random rant. We'll see what this writing turns into. My thoughts are all over the place and I am unfocused. I have to try twice as hard because english is not my native language. I have to think twice, I have to try harder, be better.
Have you ever become anxious because your kids are making too much noise? I feel like my brain is overdrive today. My brain has suffered from unbelievable stress caused by forever ongoing bipolar rollercoaster. That makes me sensitive to very little stimulus.
My youngest called me about ten times after school when she was playing at a park. Everytime she addressed the same issue and everytime I tried to keep my calm and explain the issue again. She is seven years old and never quiet.
After the phone call episode the girls have expanded their playing to every room of the house. My elder girl is nine years old and she's never quiet either. The girls are too noisy and too much action and they are everywhere. Whoever claims boys are more active than girls, is wrong. All the noise, singing and hopping, dancing and twirling is just too much today. I am not coping well today. I also have a hubby and a teenage son to deal with.
I need a break from my family. I am taking a sick-leave from work so I get several hours of time alone while others are at school and work. I can't say I didn't have time alone. But my brain is still vulnerable. I've been over three months off work. I have been around all the time. I only spent one week in a hospital. I've tried to heal in these circumstances, kids around. Taking care of my children while trying to keep myself alive. Jesus. Yes, my brain needs a break. I wonder how long it takes my mental healt to stabilize in this environment. I assume it may take longer than I thought.
This weekend I am going to a trip with my best friend. It's starting to look like the trip wouldn't be any better scheduled. I need it so badly. I need some time without the kids. I need quiet and nature. And of course deep conversations and a bottle of w i n e.