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The oldest/firstborn holds the weight


VictorianGoth

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Everyday my mom comes home from work is a surprise. I have begun to have horrible anxiety about it. I worry "Will she be angry today?"

"Will she be stressed today?"

Her moods affect my own. When she comes home with a negative attitude that makes me feel worse-if I was already struggling that day. And if I felt somewhat okay then all that will go away. 

I know she is under immense stress. I know. It pains me. She is struggling so much. She will often vent to me. But what frustrates me is that when my younger brother is around she will pretend she is okay. Or all of a sudden she won't show how upset she is. 

She is always worried about my brother but she doesn't stop to think how much she is affecting me. Venting to me about things. I am 29 and my brother is 26. She is always protecting him like he's a child. "Don't tell your brother this." "Don't tell your brother that." Why the hell does he get so much protecting?

Does she not understand how stressed she is also making me. Trying to keep her together. Trying to keep myself together. My brother doesn't even live with us. He lives with his boyfriend. He comes home for a short visit maybe 2 times a week.

He lives his own life happily. He goes to his practices, he goes clubbing on Friday night....he is living free of much stress.

While I sit here with my mom listening to her talk about being depressed and sad and worried and stressed. Listening to her vent about all these things that I have no idea how to handle. Seeing her sad expressions. Seeing her so exaushted she can barely talk.

HE IS NOT HERE. 

And I'm so angry at him because he KNOWS this is a hard time for our family and he chooses to not come home and help support us.

My mom is struggling to find a new place to live. I am trying to help. What is my brother doing?

We have be out by the end of the month. Her money is tied so I have been buying us groceries...and anything else she needs. My brother is not helping us at all. 

I am so angry. So incredibly angry.  Its always been like this since I was a child. Just because I was the oldest constantly feeling like more weight was being put on me. 

I can't even deal with my mom's current state..

I can barely deal with my own mental state.

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I read your blog post with interest.

I'm the "younger" child; my brother is 8 years older than me. He got the favored treatment from my perspective. He is highly successful and happy. I'm sort of the opposite...I'm a wage slave, single (divorced), and not happy.

But whatever. I wish you the very best.

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