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another day...another vent

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allalone6

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 ive been starting to take quick walks in the morning before i have to go to work. unfortunately its the same time frame the elementary school starts and a lot of young mothers are walking their kids at the same time. it sorta makes me sad, i start to think how that should be me, happily walking my kids to school. I really long to be a mom that it actually aches. i tell myself i would be a horrible mom to try to take my mind off it but it doesnt work. 
 
my mom told me again over the weekend how much she hates her life, that she should be playing with her grandchildren at this point in her life. that broke my heart. my brother and sister inlaw cant have kids. I feel horrible for my parents, they want to be grandparents so badly. she has no idea how badly i want to be a mom
 
I wish so badly I could find someone who will love me and want to be with me so i can have a family. I know im a mental case with a lot of little issues and im not attractive. I actually had a complete stranger respond to me over the weekend via text that i had a big nose (or as she put it "honka"), all because she wanted to apply to a rental i have listed and i explained things that werent negotiable with the landlord. I was taken back, it sorta stung, i havent had someone say something to me like that since my school days (short of a few innocent little kids asking why my nose was so big) 😕 im very self conscious of it. ive had a string of "first dates" on a online dating site where i never heard back from the guy after the initial meeting. i always assumed it was because my looks. it has caused me to stop trying. they say beauty is on the inside but thats not really true. 
 
besides my looks i must not really be a quality person to have around anyways. I cant get friends to stick around and thats really less of a commitment than a boyfriend. so i really have a boat load of issues that im not truly sure of that makes me undesirable. 
 
ive been doing less and less of the things i enjoy, like biking and hiking. i no longer look forward to going to the same trails over and over all the time, im getting bored of the same old scenery and as much as i would love to explore new ones, im afraid to do so by myself. 
 
ive also pretty much stopped "trying" with the same ol people, either they are always truly busy or are apparently not interested in the friendship. i dont really want to figure out the truth. i  keep reminding myself that if people wanted to be in my life they would make an effort to be there. and well, no one breaks down my doors...
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