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Unhappy


Lady Mozzer

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Warning self harm mentioned

 

I feel lost and lonely. I want to find my way in this world but I just can`t seem to. I know I have it better than some people and I`m really grateful for that. I just wish I had the things that normal people have. I feel this illness has stolen my chances for those things. Time keeps passing me by and I feel my dreams dying just a little bit everyday. Do I still have dreams ? I don`t know. I don`t know if I have any hope left inside of heart.

I`ve always felt that I wasn`t good enough for anybody. Who would want anyone with all of these flaws like the ugly scars up and down my arm from all those years of self harm. It seemed to help at the time but now I really regret it. That was my unhealthy coping mechanism. I`ve stopped doing that but sometimes I am still tempted to reach for that razor blade and release everything that has built up inside of me because I have no other way to release it. It stays stuck inside of me now that`s why sometimes I miss my self harm. I want to feel better if only for a little while. I have learned the hard way that it isn`t worth the ugliness it leaves behind. The ugly scars, my Mother worrying that I was trying to **** myself. Although someone once told me that my self harm was like trying to off  myself a little at a time.

I  have been diagnosed as bipolar 2. I am depressed at the moment. I feel worse at night. Don`t get me wrong it`s bad during the day too but it feels much worse at night. This is when I go over and over the mistakes I think I have made. My thoughts sometimes torture me. I just lay there tossing and turning and wait for the meds to kick in so I can sleep, I can`t sleep without meds. It`s been like that for years.

I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I want to feel like I contribute something to this world. Instead I feel useless and worthless. I want to be free.

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