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another day stuck in my head

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allalone6

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how do you stop being mad? people can go months with out talking to me, and then i only hear from them when they have questions or need help on something. sometimes i jump at answering cause i want the conversation, but sometimes i get angry cause i feel like im only good enough when someone needs something. im sure its in my head so i do my best to bite my tongue so i dont create a worse situation for myself and completely burn bridges. but how do i make that feeling go away. i remind myself that people are busy, and to not feel like im being used, but i honestly cant even tell if i am or not, and lately i just feel mad about it. not sure if im mad at myself or them. 

 

i think years of really having no one in my life is really doing me in. no real conversations, no real "talking", that i just hold things in, and assume situations, and let things eat me until i try to figure out whats going on. maybe if i was more social i wouldnt care if people hit me for stuff, or maybe i wouldnt view it as such. but i have nothing going on, that i remember that last time each person talked to me, what their last request was, or what  not. i remember everything and i over analyze everything. my life is so boring and empty...that is my problem.

 

when was the last time you divulged your feelings to someone? I swore i never would again, but now that ive gone years holding it in, im not sure whats worse. I lost friends and caused fights and problems for talking, but its also slowing k*lling me to keep it all in and it messes with my thinking and rationalization. i honestly dont see myself ever talking about "it" again, but sometimes it would be nice to talk about  things if i was to completely downplay the intensity.

 

i hold on to hope that one day i will find someone, anyone, who actually wants to be apart of my life and not just linger in the distance and only talk to me when they need something. i cant control how life treats me, i can just control how i let it affect me. so i really need to focus on helping myself be ok with things instead of letting anger rule the roost. i went from being so sad that i folded into myself and built walls to being numb to now just being angry. i hate it, i dont want to be angry, i dont want to snap at others, but at the same time, i just want to count. i want people to talk to me cause they want to, cause they care to, cause they want conversation, not for "can you", "do you mind doing", ect.....

 

there used to be a time when i would lay in bed at night and think of fun times with "friends" in order calm my thoughts and help me fall asleep. Now, i imagine myself raking or doing yard work or a project....no one else is there....cause no one else is ever there. its what im used. 

 

its funny how all those years when i was younger i helped myself getting thru depression by telling myself it would get better and to be strong....i really honestly thought it would get better, funny...how 20 yrs later....it didnt get better...just lonelier.

 

maybe lonelier is technically "better" maybe im not meant for other people, maybe im just not friend material and i have learned to adapt quite yet. maybe im better off with solitude if i can figure out how to not let it slowly k*ll my mind. 

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