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Losing like a rigged game

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Stencils118

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I'm in hostels on my own right now. We're having space from each other which we both agreed as it is good for our relationship..but I'm sure she's having alot more fun than I am. 
Saturday night last which means loads of people being social. I start off being very secluded, but try to get involved, integrate myself with all the unfamiliar, extroverted faces that fill the communal area. They've known eachother a long time it seems, but maybe they haven't and they're just alot better and social situations than I am. My forced social experiment goes O.K and I escape reasonably unscathed, being able to talk to a few people, with nerves of course but not at all with ease. I'm uncomfortable to hell.
I find these 2 friendly Swedish girls who I find weirdly easy to talk to. I am very self-conscious and anxious but I continue to act chilled out. Thoroughly relying on the people around me to take over conversations. 
The communal area shuts at 10pm and everyone is forced to go inside.. the structure of my social gathering crumbles and I lose my new acquaintances. I feel alone again and am forced to return to my secluded dorm where I just end up going to bed. 

This experiment of staying in separate hostels has made me realise how much of a socially anxious, depressed introverted person I really am. It's proven how incredibly lonely I would be, due to my lack of social skills and the fact I don't feel like I get much pleasure out of talking to people anyway (perhaps again due to anxiety). I feel like I should be the opposite of this. I feel like my partner would want me to be the opposite to this as well. I realise that I get intense jealousy when I see my partner interacting and making friends with new random people. I'm jealous that I can't interact with such ease, with such pleasure. Meanwhile I feel like I'm in the background taking a back seat because I don't enjoy it. 
I hate the way I am and I suppose that's where the stuggle begins and ends. I'm not comfortable being this way, making me want more from myself. I'm disappointed, lonely and depressed being anti-social yet I can't force myself because I don't enjoy being social. I get nothing from it but tiredness, anxious and more self-criticism. But jealous when I see others speaking with such ease and thrill..
Honestly, how do I even win?

~ A Troubled Traveller

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