It's begun. I thought I moved past this stage in my life. I thought I was on the way up within the bigger picture but I can't be more wrong. The dangerous thoughts of 'the end' are back. A few nights ago I was almost certain I was ready to commit. I was again alone on a beach in the dead of night, ready and contemplating.
I was stopped, but it wasn't welcomed. I was sure it was my time that night and the days that have followed I've been trying to recover from the deep darkness of that night. I've been clawing at trying to get some alone time to process my thoughts, to think in a wide open space, not having to deal with things whilst surrounded by people.
Right now is the only chance I've had to just get away, listen to music and attempt to figure out what my brain is doing. I'm in a right mess and at this moment can't find a way out of it.. in a way that doesn't involve hurting anyone.
I feel like crying, all the time which is a feeling I haven't felt in so many years.
This has been a monumental leap backwards and I have absolutely no idea how to get any incling of motivation to pick myself up from this..
I fear things will only get worse. All I have is hope, hope without faith.
~ A Troubled Traveller