seriously though. at first i was ok with being a loner or "back up friend" cause ive had such trouble just keeping anyone in my life. but being the back up hurts and beign alone day in and day out just wears on you. i try continuously to "hang out" with people and the lame excuses are like a knife being twisted in my stomach. i try to suck it up. i try to convince myself they are really "busy" but deep down, i know im just plain ol not good enough.
the group hikes that i signed up for, ended this past weekend. it was a 10 week thing. i really really enjoyed it, i liked the people that i hiked with, granted all were older than me and at a different stage of their life. people my age have little kids so its hard to find a same age connections. honestly i will take whatever i can get. I didnt make any connections though outside the hike but i enjoyed the conversations while there. im going to try to volunteer more, just to keep busy.
if im struggling with loneliness at this age...how am i going to survive my life? i truly dont even know what to do anymore or what direction to go or if i should hold on to hope or if im wasting my time. i feel so empty and disregarded by life. like im here but no one notices nor cares. i end up becoming a "sucker" cause i try to please everyone just to keep people as a background noise in my life (coworkers, past friends) you know, they are there, but they dont really associate with you until they need something. i sadly allow them to do this.
i lie in bed at night and wonder how my life would be different if i was a parent and then i wonder if i would of been a good parent. would my child turn out ok or have mental issues like me. maybe god chose this path for me so i wouldnt pass on to an innocent child mental problems so they wouldnt suffer. sometimes its hard to see people i graduated with all posting their kid photos on facebook. thats where i should be in life.
i havent spoken about my sadness to a sole in a good 5 years now. you would of thought by doing so my life would of gotten better but that hasnt been the case for me. perhaps it wasnt the depression all this time but just me in general. you know who seem to like and gravitate towards me...kids...my coworkers kids. a 2 and half year old is the one person i totally look forward to seeing and talking to. he makes me smile and laugh. what does that say about me?
well i guess i just needed to ramble today. my sad dose of pretending im talking to someone.