I feel so defeated in life
I went for a walk the other day in the frigid temps and rain. I was the only one on the trail. It was perfect resemblance of my life....empty, cold and miserable.
i pretend on social media and to coworkers that i lead a happy fulfilled life. for instance i posted a pic of that walk...and acted like i had a great quick morning walk! i did enjoy the walk, but for the 2 miles i just thought how i would be spending this time if my life was different, and i thought what others were doing at this hour on a sunday morning.
last night I lied in bed thing and wondering, as i do most nights. everything came at me, but the one thing that really hurts deep in my heart is that I will never be a mom. I constantly image what mom life would be like, the chaos, the running around with activities, how a simple trip to run an errand would take 3 times that long with a kid, but i want that, i would love that, i realize what im missing out on. i get to cuddle my coworkers kids when they come in, and they melt my heart and arent mine, i can imagine the amount of love I would have for my own child. how much different life would be. thats where i want to be in life. but at the same time i need to learn to let it go so to stop hurting myself.
i truthfully try to block out my feelings of loneliness and emptiness by burying myself in work. I guess part of me needs an excuse to why im alone and single and dont do anything, i say "im busy with work" yet no matter how hard i try...i cant seem to get business at my job. I work commission based, so you have to get your own clients, and i go on the appointments and try to make the deal, but i dont succeed. its frustrating. perhaps if i felt successful, that at least i would have one thing to be proud of myself about.
on another note, i have a new found thing to worry about......My mother asked me the other day, (cause she is focused on her will and arrangements for when she passes cause of the chaos that was thrown on her and her siblings when my grandparents died) she asked, who will take care of you when you pass? Usually i have an answer to everything when she asks questions cause she worries too much and i try to make it look like i have it all together, but i was stumped. I never thought of it, I always envisioned my passing when all my family was still alive, Ive always envisioned it in present day, not as a future thing. sad, I know, but i had to stop and think. who would handle it? what would happen to me? no spouse, no kids, no family, what would happen in that case? now im worried about it. would i not get a proper grave? would i not get a service? even if I paid in advance for it all, who carries it out?