As some of you might already know, I've been dealing with a recent loss which has caused me to desperately grasp after anything that even slightly resembles therapy. One of the many things that grabbed my interest was Vipassanā Meditation. This form of meditation requires a tremendous amount of effort by the person meditating. Vipassanā Meditation retreats are located all over the world and can be used by nearly anyone who's interested in practicing the exercise for free. Unfortunately, if you're deemed physically or mentally unfit, your application to these retreats will most likely be rejected for the sake of your own safety. This was the case with me.
Still, the practice intrigued me and, while I couldn't recreate the setting required for Vipassanā Meditation, I decided to take inspiration from it. This lead me to avoid oral and written communication with other people for a week in an effort to be more mindful of the origins of my negative thoughts. Unfortunately, I have yet to develop that level of introspection, so I mainly learned about communication. For example, I learned that, despite always having been a quiet person, I truly value my ability to speak. I became highly frustrated nearing the end of the seven days, especially when someone repeatedly misunderstood me. I had to learn how to deal with that frustration as well, and I feel like my temperament has slightly improved since then.
On a more concrete level, my desperate need to be understood caused me to teach myself the British Sign Language's alphabet and couple of basic words like "Hello!", "Thanks!", "Yes!", "No!" and "I'm passive-aggresively ignoring you!". So what did it feel like when I began speaking again? Surprisingly, it wasn't relief. Rather, it was disgust at actually acknowledging how my vocal chords vibrate in my throat when I speak. Yuck! What originated from something spiritual made me hyper-focus on my physical reality. Oh, well! Better luck next time, I suppose.