Another moment comes and goes. Consumed, digested and then spat out the other end. Beaten, torched and destroyed on its journey forward. Yet again I ruin and destroy a potentially good moment in this life I call my own. Starting off with high hopes only for it to be sucked down into a vacuum that is my dark side. All it takes is a wrong statement, a wrong judgement call, a wrong decision, the wrong tone of voice. No stopping it.
It happens and then the inevitable consequences follow. Foundations of my happiness, crumbling beneath me. Back to the bottom of the pile, the level 1, the starting square.
2am and the shadow questions start pouring in like the floodgates have failed.."Why am I even here? Should I go? How would I do it? Why am I like this?"
I will sleep tonight and wish to never awake. But I will. Like a stubborn mouth alcer that just wont heal, I'll keep hurting, make it worse by biting down. What state will my sanity be in, if any?
I'm on the brink of giving up once again. I promised myself I would never allow myself to get here again but here I sit, on the fence. 2 decisions, sleep or impulsive action.
I always choose sleep. But how has that worked out for me in the long run really?
Something bad is going to happen, that I am sure of. What my reaction will be though is what scares me the most..
~ A Troubled Traveller