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Ruined moments.

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Stencils118

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Another moment comes and goes. Consumed, digested and then spat out the other end. Beaten, torched and destroyed on its journey forward. Yet again I ruin and destroy a potentially good moment in this life I call my own. Starting off with high hopes only for it to be sucked down into a vacuum that is my dark side. All it takes is a wrong statement, a wrong judgement call, a wrong decision, the wrong tone of voice. No stopping it.

It happens and then the inevitable consequences follow. Foundations of my happiness, crumbling beneath me. Back to the bottom of the pile, the level 1, the starting square. 

2am and the shadow questions start pouring in like the floodgates have failed.."Why am I even here? Should I go? How would I do it? Why am I like this?" 

I will sleep tonight and wish to never awake. But I will. Like a stubborn mouth alcer that just wont heal, I'll keep hurting, make it worse by biting down. What state will my sanity be in, if any?

I'm on the brink of giving up once again. I promised myself I would never allow myself to get here again but here I sit, on the fence. 2 decisions, sleep or impulsive action. 

I always choose sleep. But how has that worked out for me in the long run really?  

Something bad is going to happen, that I am sure of. What my reaction will be though is what scares me the most..

~ A Troubled Traveller 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Stensills118: )

So I wanted to check in to see  how you are feeling today.  I am sorry you are feeling so badly about yourself.   My first thought is to say you shoudn't..haha.  But we do feel those things.  Sometimes more than we want to.  But you really do have a great analogy on the moments of life in your writing.  Thoughtful illustrations in the mind.  I myself woke and pulled the covers over my head this morning.  I get so tired of life when I am not taking any medicine, and wonder why I feel that way.  I have been off of them for about two months. 

I read your post last night.  I even read it to my sister who is in the hospital very ill. Ieven just read it to my husband.  We were talking about our journeys.  I found it enlightening and felt your frustration-so did she.  So your words 'in these moments' have been digested but not spat out.  As I have chewed on them myself the word that comes to my own mind for me is  'Expectations'.   That is my issue I often think. At least that is a phrase I recall one of my children telling me when they were finally an adult.  I set myself up years ago with expectations and then passed those onto others when they were around me. I often say or do the wrong things.  Once of my acquantances said I say things of the cuff in a joking manner but seem to be trying to say how I feel without hurting another-yet do it anyway.  :  (  I don't think I can accept myself for who I am; and keep trying to be more still-even though I know I can't and don't have to.  It is a daily work for me.  It is hard work.

Now as years have passed I see how I made things so much worse by trying to fill in the dark holes of emptiness or disappointment with material things, becoming a fix it person or over commitmenting to mention a few.  Then I keep stopping my medicine and loosing any sense of well being I might have because I get caught up in my physical status and not the importance of my emotiona and mental wellbeing.  

So today I dragged myself up and decided to make a go of it again.  I have a doctors appointment too so that helps to get me motivated.  Maybe I will be talkedinto my meds again.

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Hi peaches

Many thanks for your kind words, I appreciate you taking the time to share you opinions and experiences with me. 

You're completely right about "expectations", they almost certainly set you up for disappointment when the expectations aren't met. I believe I too have way too many expections of certain moments and myself.

I wish you all the best with your doctors appointment and I sincerely hope your motivation continues to drive you to get up in the morning. 

:)

Edited by Stencils118

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