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embracing the loneliness

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so ive made myself back off. ive decided that for lent, i will stop reaching out to people and asking to hang out. deep down i know that if people wanted to be apart of my life they would make an effort to do so, i need to leave people alone. so im a week in, and for the next 5 1/2 weeks i get to work on my self control to not get desperate and reach out. 

this will help me. i mean i get either "im busy" excuse or just no answer at all, so its not like im missing out on anything or missing that "omg yes" response, im helping my mental health by not being so clingy.

so im sitting here waiting instead, wondering if i cross peoples minds. i know the answer, i just dont like to think of the answer and make up some ridiculous fairy tale instead.

ive been focusing more of my time on the dating website. i message guys from my area but no one ever responds. dating is so hard these days...people just judge you behind a screen and move on to the next one, whereas if they met you in person at least they would be polite and talk to you, and who knows they may find you have things in common, but with todays technology, if you arent attractive you are "swiped" away.  

i feel like the harder i try to not have a lonely life, the more im making myself feel lonely. rejection isnt easy but its a lot harder to swallow when its on all fronts....friendship...relationship...socially in general. :/ i do let it get to me and i wallow in self pity but i do end up trying again. not sure how long this cycle will go on for before im either successful or im finally broken down.

eventually this loneliness is going to eat me alive, talking to myself in my head does not count as conversation. :/

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Reading this makes me so sad. You don't deserve to feel lonely or feel like you're merely being 'swiped' away. You are worth so much more than that. Society is so damn cruel without it ever meaning to be. There's no 'genuine' interaction anymore without there being judgement unless you talk to someone who completely understands how you feel. 


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