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why am i here

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allalone6

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 ive been in such a horrible funk lately. 
 
every morning i tell myself in the mirror, that im good enough, and by the end of the day im asking...why am i not good enough.
 
i know my mind and depression bully me and i sometimes so easily give in to it. its so very hard to think i matter when im just so alone. 
 
i feel i bother people when i reach out, cause of the response or lack thereof, and i pretty much feel like im begging for their time. it makes me feel so desperate. i just dont know where to turn anymore. I constant remind myself that if people wanted to be in my life they would make an effort. 
 
im so tired of me. just me. only me. the quiet. the loneliness. the constant racing thoughts in my head. 
 
I went food shopping at 7:45 in the morning yesterday...the aisles were quiet and empty. the manager stopped me and said "out early" I just smiled and said "yup I am" and he replied "no kids in tow?" "you have kids, right?" again I just smiled and said, "no, no kids"  it bothered me, another reminder.   
 
 
i once again stopped eating, and havent been to the gym in a couple of weeks, ive been sleeping 10-11 hours a day, and ive been having a constant dull headache all day every day for awhile now. I cant seem to get out of my own way.  Ive been crying lately at the drop of a hat. and just feeling stuck.
 
i know the feelings and mood will pass....the loneliness will always remain though. 
 
I was thinking about getting back into church and all. with lent coming up that would mean i would have to give up something meaningful to me til easter.  the only thing that seems to bring me some joy is walks outside. im afraid to give it up for 6 1/2 weeks, it could be detrimental to my health. but maybe i need to wrap myself up in religion and stuff to feel better or feel like i belong somewhere? i dont know, im torn. 
 
maybe im not suppose to belong anywhere, maybe i was meant to be a loner? i constantly analyze and try to justify why things are the way they are...theres a reason for everything right? things happen for a reason? im obviously not good at this game cause for the life of me i cant figure out why or what my purpose is. 
 
why was a born? why does my mind never stop?  why am i me? Why do i seem to never do things right? why am i here? why am i so lonely? why am i not good enough?
 
 
 
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