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For Clarity

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Tonight is the first night, in what feels like a long time since I felt this manic feeling. I write tonight in the hope to bring somewhat sense of calm to myself.
A steady stream of negativity has been lapping up in my head like the tide does on rocks upon the shore line. All efforts to defuse my thoughts just weren't enough this time to stop my barrier from cracking. Before I knew it the pressure, the anxiety, the negativity, the thoughts, had all built up. I needed to get out, out of the room, out of company. I needed solitude where I could weep by myself without the need to explain or analyse why I felt the way I did. 

I keep feeling I need to push myself, to break from my shell, to make the best out of the situation I have in front of me. After all the only one whose stopping myself from appreciating all of this, is me. This very pressure is only making me feel worse. Worse for not 'seizing the day' and all the other buzz words that the self help books and quotes written by people, who have utterly no idea what it feels like to be this way. The whole thing is a happiness trap.

Tomorrow, I know that I will awake in a better mood. To me it will be forgotten but to my significant other, she will most likely add this to the ever increasing list of bad moments for her on this trip. This alone makes me feel worse than the feelings and thoughts that bother me. Knowing I drag her down only confirms the forever echo that continues within darkness of my mind - I'm not good enough, least of all for her. 

She says she hasn't got the mental energy to support me anymore - honestly who can blame her. 

~ A Troubled Traveller.

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