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Change, anyone?

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Stencils118

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6 months and 19 days of travelling.. but have I changed?

..The reason I write tonight suggests not. or rather, not in the way I would like anyhow. 
I guess I'm both annoyed and kinda worried that I haven't changed as much as I thought I would. By now I hoped to be somewhat a 'social butterfly' of sorts, you know.. what with meeting new people, being in new situations and generally being out of my comfort zone. I thought by doing these things I would have changed how I viewed myself thus being alot less insecure, doubtful and I guess, socially anxious too.
Who wants to feel so insecure that it feels almost everyone your partner looks at or talks to in a friendly jolly way, is a threat to you and your relationship? Nobody.
What's strange is I find myself having bouts of confidence, usually after what I think is a 'successful' conversation with maybe someone at work. It's these little successes that make me want to continue making conversation with people.
 love feeling this way. It's as almost as though someone has opened a pair of windows overlooking a country landscape on a summers day, with all these smells and wildlife noises you're not normally witness to. 
Then something knocks me off this high feeling, for instance an 'insecurity' scenario... all of a sudden, those once wide open cottage windows slam shut, iron bars emerge from the walls with barbed wire intertwining around the place. Before you know it I'm sat back in that prison cell that I should probably call 'home' now. 

I apologize for the overuse of metaphors, I guess the only way to really understand how trapped someone feels, is to visualize it.

Hey, maybe after 6 months and 20 days everything will miraculously be as I hoped for..?
The internal battling continues, but it's welcomed relief to be able to empty (part of) my head tonight

~A Troubled Traveller   

 

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