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I do it to myself.

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'Find you some paper,
And I'll go grab you a pen,
You can start making notes,
On how this all started again.'

..I have ****ed everything up.
I not only lied to her I also swore to her out of fear. I am a disgusting human being and I deserve all the bad I feel throughout life. I'm a selfish P.O.S who I hate more than anyone possibly could. God how I ******* despise myself.

I felt the words come out of my mouth like jumbled lettering cascading over my lips without permission. My heart sank as soon as I realised what I had done. She knew. I knew. 

I have abused her trust beyond repair, despite her efforts in trying to understand my reasoning for it all. I did have reasoning, but it doesn't excuse my actions in lying to her in such horrific fashion. 
Not only have a shattered her trust in me, I've created a whole painful situation to which we both don't trust each other. I'm so frightened she's going to do something out of spite, she's already lying to me about what she's doing and deleting internet history. What next?

I have royally ****** up and for what, getting in touch with an ex because I wanted to build bridges and have a close friend again. 

I truly believe I am cursed with making bad decisions.. and I wonder why I'm so indecisive in daily life? 
I've had so much luck for so long. Meeting her, Attracting her, Living with her, Travelling with her. Her.  It was bound to come crashing down because of me at some point. 
I will never forgive myself for destroying this wonderful thing I had. I can't live being constantly paranoid there will be a painful retaliation. 

It's funny how I commented on anothers post saying 'I no longer feel death was is option' ..how things change so rapidly. It's an option alright.
I'm destined to be a **** up forever it seems.

They say you 'live and learn'.... at what point do you start learning exactly?

I'll let you know if I make it out of this alive.

- A troubled Traveller. 

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