It's official now. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder. New medication, new life hopefully. I know it's not that simple though. Finding the right balance may take a while. After all it took fifteen years to get the right diagnosis so only God knows how long it will take finding right pills and right dosage.
I was pretty certain about being bipolar even though that thought didn't occur to me until few months ago. Actually it was an online friend of mine who told me that I was manic. We have never met in real life but he reads me like an open book. Actually it was him who told me to see a doctor fifteen years ago and get my depression treated. And I did. I was prescribed anti-depressants which set off the rollercoaster ride. I've ridden so many laps that I feel nauseous.
This is a turnover in my life. Now that I have taken the first step on getting better I have to follow through. I have to make some changes. The hardest thing will be letting go. My life will never be the same again. First of all I need to stop guarding myself and let people to see real me. For that I may need some psychotherapy but then so be it.
I am planning to write a letter to my parents and explain my situation. Maybe will write my friends too. All my life I have faked a smile for them and they either believed or just didn't care. How can I trust them again? How can I trust that I am good enough the way I am?