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Irritability.


VictorianGoth

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I chose this topic because that is what I currently am. IRRITATED. 

  I'm irritated at  my job where everyone is fake and pretends to care about you but then talks absolute behind your back.  On top of all the fakeness that has been going around, everyone has had their hours cut. I am on 16hrs a week right now. 16. What the **** can I do with 16 hours at my pay rate? NOTHING. My phone is off cause I had to spend my last paycheck on groceries for the house! I can't even afford to pay my phone bill. 

I'm irritated at my brother's boyfriend because my brother allowed him to move in and my mom was okay with it. Our place is tiny as it is. They keep saying they are going to move out soon but its been months. They don't clean up after themselves. I feel like a ****ing maid, washing all their ******* dishes. They sleep in the living room cause we only have a two bedroom apartment and the living room always smells because they are disgusting. His boyfriend never ****ing showers.  The couch that they have been sleeping on smells gross. On top of that I just genuinely don't like my brothers boyfriend. He's snarky and rude. He's condescending.  I hate having to see his face all the ****ing time.   Our tiny apartment feels so overcrowded.  I feel like I am suffocated. I just try to stay in my room. Really I feel so smothered I get anxiety whenever everyone is home at once.  I don't feel comfortable in my own house anymore because of this and there was never a family discussion or anything about whether we ALL agreed it would be fine for him to live with us.  He would stay the night occasionally and then that turned into every ******* night and now he lives here. I'm just aggravated as **** about this situation.   ON TOP OF THAT he has to come to every single thing my family does.  I can't remember the last time it was just me, my brother and my mom together. He invites himself to everything or my brother feels he has to come to everything. It is so frustrating. 

I'm irritated at my brother because he's just ****ing mean and petty and the above situation is HIS doing. 

I am irritated at my "boyfriend" ? I don't know what we are. He lives all the way in Nigeria. We haven't even met yet. We've been dating online for about 4 months now.  He video called me today and I answered thinking he was alone and I answer the call and he's with all his boys and there I am looking a hot mess. My face all swollen because I had been napping, I was wearing a raggedy t shirt, my hair was a mess, I had no bra on.....and his friends are all in the camera looking at me, trying to conversate and I just feel awkward!  He did this to me before and I told him to let me know if he's going to call while he's with friends so that I can at least make myself look presentable. He said he would, but he did it again today.  The first time he did it I was in my bathroom braiding my hair. My hair was wild and crazy everywhere and I answer his vid call and he's instantly like "This if my friend blah blah blah..."   I was so embarrassed I hung up on him.  He said he felt bad after that. We got over it.  Today I tried to get over how I was feeling. Tried to tell myself it was not a big deal. I said hi to them but then when he turned the camera back on him I told him I had to get off the phone and he got upset and said that I was doing that "high school stuff again" and so I just said goodbye and hung up.  We didn't talk for the rest of the night until he text me he was going to bed and he left it at that.  I'm so angry at him.  To say my behavior is "high school" is saying I'm like immature.  To NOT respect my wishes is what I call immature. How can someone be so ****ing daft?   I told him not to do that because it makes me uncomfortable.  On top of the social anxiety I have...all these men I'd never seen before staring at me through the phone....omg.   I am not happy with what he did.  I feel like we are always arguing about something lately. We are still learning about each other but I already told him about this. I already told him to not do this to me and he did it again.  I'm now starting to worry that I may be too different for him. He's never been with a woman who has depression and anxiety problems before. 

I'm irritated because my period came.  My back hurts. My stomach hurts. Everything hurts. 

I just want to cry. I do. 

I just want to cry. 

 

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Feeling like the major things in your life are out of your control is horrible. Your home is supposed to be your refuge, somewhere you can feel safe and comfortable. I'm sorry that got taken away from you without you having any say in it. I probably shouldn't be giving anybody advice, as f**ked up as I am...but I do want to just say one thing. If you're honest about how something makes you feel uncomfortable with your significant other and they choose to do it again...that's a bad sign. When you love someone, you're supposed to care about their feelings, no matter if you agree with them or not. You're supposed to want to show that person respect and understanding. I'm not trashing your boy, because I don't know him, and all I know about the situation is what you wrote about in this post. But it's something to think about. From this little post, I think you're a smart and intuitive person going through a rough time. Be strong, stand up for yourself, and don't settle for anyone or anything.

Hang in there. They keep promising me it gets better. Maybe it even does.

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12 hours ago, carter_burn1 said:

Feeling like the major things in your life are out of your control is horrible. Your home is supposed to be your refuge, somewhere you can feel safe and comfortable. I'm sorry that got taken away from you without you having any say in it. I probably shouldn't be giving anybody advice, as f**ked up as I am...but I do want to just say one thing. If you're honest about how something makes you feel uncomfortable with your significant other and they choose to do it again...that's a bad sign. When you love someone, you're supposed to care about their feelings, no matter if you agree with them or not. You're supposed to want to show that person respect and understanding. I'm not trashing your boy, because I don't know him, and all I know about the situation is what you wrote about in this post. But it's something to think about. From this little post, I think you're a smart and intuitive person going through a rough time. Be strong, stand up for yourself, and don't settle for anyone or anything.

Hang in there. They keep promising me it gets better. Maybe it even does.

Thank you for your comment. I have calmed down since the post but still annoyed how things are going. lol This guy...he is a great person. He really is...I will speak with him and like you say, stand up for myself so he knows I really mean it can't happen again. I haven't had a chance to talk with him since then really....he text me goodmorning the next day but we still haven't had time to chat about what happened. We have come cultural differences going on...as well. Its difficult, on top of the distance. *sigh* 

As for my living situation...I guess there is nothing I can do.  

I hope things do get better, for both of us, even as I don't know your situation. . Thank you again for taking time to comment.  

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I have had very similar thoughts and experiences concerning your last blog entries, albeit them being back from April. I too planned to end my life at 30, had issues with counseling due to no insurance, and look back at my life in disbelief, shame, and regret.

I am sorry it has all gone so badly.

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