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Cross My Heart, Not My Fingers

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carter_burn1

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I do a lot of complaining on my blog here, but every now and then I have good thoughts I want to write down.

There's a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. What I want more than anything is to be with my girlfriend, marry her like we planned, and try my best to make her happy. She's 1500 miles away right now, and a lot of it hinges on this internship I'm still not 100% sure I was accepted into. From the stuff they said when I applied and the material they keep sending me, it sure looks like I'm in, but I haven't gotten any rock solid confirmation, and that sliver of uncertainty is a little hard to take.

If I did get accepted, I'm gonna destroy it. I'm smart enough and I've got the motivation. I'm going to slaughter it. I'm not confident about a whole lot, but my lack of confidence comes from past failures. Past failures only happened because of one missing ingredient...motivation. I never knew what I wanted before, and now I do. My focus is narrowed down into one solid goal - being with my girl. I don't care about pleasing or impressing anybody in my family. I don't care about not living up to my potential, whatever the hell that is. I care about getting through this internship so I'm qualified for a job that will pay me enough to start a life with my girl.

I'm extremely lucky to have her. She's got the patience and understanding required to give a f**k up a chance, and I won't let her down. I can't. My motivation doesn't come from what I want to be; it's what I don't want to be. I don't want to be a disappointment to her. I don't want to be a waste of her time. I don't want to be a bad memory for her. I want to keep her safe and happy. I want her love for me to be justified. For once in my life, I want to be a good bet instead of a bad bet. I want this to be the end of book one, which sucked ass. I want it to be the start of book two, which is the one that redeems everything and makes reading the series worth it. 

She deserves nothing less.

I'm gonna get this internship and k|ll it.

For her.

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