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The Anti-Depressant Blues


carter_burn1

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I have an appointment with the med clinic next week to try to finally find an antidepressant that works for me, and I'm stressing about it. I have zero belief that there's a med out there that will work for me. Over the last ten years, I've worked my way down almost the entire list of them. Every time a new one comes out, my pdoc throws it at me, and 90% of the time it just makes things worse. They've even gone so far as to totally go off script (no pun intended) and prescribe stuff off-label to try to treat the MDD. Stuff like anti-psychotics or whatever. Those have always made things worse instead of better, as well...I'm thinking of the nightmare experiment with Seroquel, where I actually started having hallucinations when I never had them before (which completely stopped as soon as I flushed the med.) So I'm feeling like this appointment next week is basically going to be a waste of time and money. This feeling is reinforced by the latest failure, Trintellix.

Trintellix, for those of you who don't know, is marketed as the new wonder drug in the world of antidepressants. Instead of messing with one or two types of chemicals in your brain, Trintellix messes with a total of six! Wow! ...but wait. Do the "experts" know exactly what those chemicals are for? Are they sure that messing with the levels are safe? The answer is a resounding NO. They didn't even know one of the chemicals it suppresses even existed until two years ago. They have no idea what it does or what its for. So what the hell, let's screw with it and hope for the best!

...Does this sound like responsible medical treatment to you? Because it sounds absolutely crazy to me.

I'm not a chemist, so I probably don't have the right to talk about brain chemistry. Fair enough. So let's stick to the facts. Trintellix is documented to cause a side effect only characterized in the FDA study as "strange dreams." Doesn't sound too terrible, right? As a matter of fact, I like strange dreams. Makes sleep interesting. But what Trintellix does to me is a hell of a lot more intense than the cute little moniker "strange dreams" would indicate. I have sleep paralysis. It's hard to describe, but it's basically the knowledge that you're awake, but being unable to move. Then, the "strange dreams." While the sleep paralysis is happening, I slip back and forth over the line of sleep and awake without knowing it's happening. 

Here's what happened last night. I "woke up" from the sleep paralysis in my room. I reached over to turn on the light, which wouldn't come on. I knew the electricity was still on though, because the computer is humming and the fan is spinning. No big deal, the bulb burned out. So I get up and turn on the overhead - nothing. I go through my house flipping light switches, and even though all of the electricity is on, no light will come on. All of a sudden, I see a demonic entity standing in the living room leering at me, and I instantly know this demon is the reason I can't turn on lights. It's toying with me before it kills me - I know this for a fact. I cannot describe the terror I feel. I go wake my grandad up to get help, but when I wake him up, I'm unable to speak and my muscles lock up and I start seizing. I'm helpless on the floor and my grandad disappears and turns into the demon. Then it all fades a little, and I realize I've never left my bed, I'm still paralyzed. So I get up, and it starts all over again. Every so often, I'm able to actually wake up and get up and move around. I tried sleeping on the couch, and the same thing happened over and over. Sleep paralysis, demon dream. This cycle repeated from about 3:30 am until the sun came up at 6:30. 

Is it any wonder I don't trust the prescribers anymore and don't want to try yet another antidepressant??

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