It's 2.30am, She's asleep and I'm wide awake. I don't normally have any trouble sleeping, infact, I look forward to it just to escape all the emotion and feelings most of the time.
A trigger happened today and I guess I can't shake the thought and feeling it gave me, as per usual.
My partners mother is ill and it's playing on her mind, I should be comforting her yet I seem to be so self absorbed in my own emotional 'mush' I'm so empty to her needs.
I have moments where I just want to comfort her, hug her and love her. And then other moments where I feel withdrawn and hollow. I feel so incredibly selfish.
I know what causes it, but there is nothing I can do to stop it or even prevent it really. If I don't pay attention to this particular trigger, it feels as though I'm ignoring it and just kidding myself into believing it's not real, but when I give it attention it destroys my mood, confidence and my ability to love my partner properly.
I feel so unsettled and unfulfilled, something isn't right.
~ A Troubled Traveller