To be a good mother while my heart was breaking was one of the hardest roles I've ever had to play.
I did everything. I gave all I had to give. I loved, I nurtured, I was their best friend, a mother and a father when my husband couldn't be. I had never felt pain like that before. But that's what mothers do. I pushed away my illness and hide all that pain behind my smile. My heart and mind was shattered in million pieces.
Now it's been a while. My husband eventually got better too and grew up a pretty good father. Now he has been taking care of everything because I can't. But he is tired. He needs rest and a break from my illness. The kids also need a break from my illness. They all need me to be me. A mother who carries her babies on her shoulders when they are too tired to walk. A wife that takes care of her husband when he gets ill.
I must stop being sick. I've done that before, I can do it again. I will smile and my eyes will shine when I hide the pain. Because I must. That's how you pour from an empty cup.
Today I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I cried until my heart was so numb I couldn't feel anything. No more tears, my heart is frozen.