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The most recent obsession

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screwygirl

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It has been two and a half years since my lovely little girl, Muggle, died. She was a beautiful, loving pitbull that I adored, and I had to euthanize her. It wasn't about me; it was about her. She was suffering from a neurological disorder that caused her to randomly bite. The poor dear was terrified almost all of the time. It almost destroyed me to euthanize her, but I know it was the right thing to do. I still miss her every day.

Ever since that day, I have been celebrity-obsession-free. As miserable and depressed as I was at losing my baby girl, it was so nice to simply enjoy television shows and music without feeling that intrusive, desperate urge to binge on one person. I watched a television show, and that was it. I didn't have the compulsion to watch it again or look up the actors on the internet. I could just enjoy these shows. When I was done with one, I could watch another if I wanted. I didn't resist watching new television shows for fear that I would get addicted to them. I could log onto Facebook and Twitter with no expectations, and feel normal interest when I saw news about actors and singers....for two whole years, there were no obsessions.

Then, after a failed attempt to move to Los Angeles (I was there, but there was no housing to be found), I returned to my old stomping ground in New Hampshire, defeated...depressed. Day after day, it was the same routine, as it had been for most of my life. Wake up, take care of the dog, sit at my computer and play games, eat junk food, drink lots of soda, watch television from about 8:00pm to 11:00pm, take the dog out, go to bed. I was so bored, growing fatter by the minute, frozen in a broken relationship...with no way out. Even if I wanted to try again for Los Angeles, I had a lease that didn't expire until February of 2017. I was trapped.

So I started watching new television shows, ones that I had passed up due to lack of interest...and it happened. After a couple of different shows, I found one that made me happy. The star of this series was incredibly hot, and I wanted to know what he was like in real life. Thus began my obsession with this celebrity, who I will refer to as "Jack."

I learned all that I could about him, and the more I learned, the more I liked. It was more than his looks; he had ambition, drive, humility, compassion, and great family values. The things that he liked were not anything close to what I liked, but I wasn't looking at him like the love of my life. Sure, he was definitely one of the most attractive men I had ever seen, but looks fade. The personality perseveres. I just loved Jack's attitude.

I'm not certain what it was about Jack that inspired me, but suddenly, I started caring about my appearance, my weight, and my general direction in life. I started selecting new goals, and (here's the strange part) I actually began to follow through on those goals. I am becoming more active, dieting, losing weight...and I feel so much better. If I have a day when I am feeling lazy, I just look at Jack's picture, there on my desktop, and it motivates me. It's like I woke up from a two-year coma.

There are still some unpleasant effects about this obsession. My thoughts always seem to divert to Jack, even when I'm trying to focus on something else. I still look at pictures and videos of him, basically to hear him talk. I watch the television series he stars in over and over again. My friends and family roll their eyes at me when I bring him up. My face starts burning when I see him in any romantic scenes (pleasant sensation, but very obvious). I want to see him, hear him every day, and if I don't, it makes me a little sad. I wish it weren't so intense, but I guess it is a driving factor in my changes.

So I'm not sure if this obsession is good or bad...but right now, I am taking what I can get.

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I'm not sure if this is healthy or unhealthy either...I'm not going to pass judgment either way. It seems to be a little of both. But as long as you're not making plans to stalk this guy in real life or anything, I don't really see the harm...especially since you're more or less aware of what you're doing. Every human being in this world has an obsession. Some call it religion, some call it addiction, some don't call it anything at all...but it's human nature to find something, fixate on it, and have it drive you. You seem to be using yours to set and maintain positive goals. Who the hell is anyone else to tell you that what you're doing is unhealthy or abnormal? I've done things that make a lot less sense than this; the only difference is that I was dishonest with myself and everyone else about them. You're at least honest with yourself about it, and you have no problem putting it out into the world, either. As long as you keep fantasies as fantasies and reality as reality, I really don't see how this is a big deal. At least it's not a crack addiction or a weird fetish or anything that harms yourself or anyone else. I'm sorry if you weren't looking for input, just trying to vent. I just don't think this is anything you should feel ashamed of or worried about, unless it turns unhealthy or scary.

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