I spent 20 years without having a crush, infatuation or falling in love.
At 16 I had a crush on a girl. Then nothing for two decades.
All these years I was extremely independent to say the least. I had a few relationships, but not one created attachment.
My heart was not available for some reason.
I was an emotional Robinson Crusoe.
I started taking Remeron around 2008. It was very helpful, helped me become active, in combination with a low dose of Wellbutrin.
Last June I felt it was time to make another attempt at stopping Remeron.
I had made attempts in the past but none worked.
This one is the most successful so far. I've been taking about 1 dose of 15mg per week since then, and I haven't fallen back in depression. I even feel a new vitality in some aspects.
One of them is the ability to have crushes.
For the first time in 20 years, I feel like my heart has a spot available for someone else.
This is exciting but at the same time painful since I'm single, and also since I find myself having crushes on people that are not available.
It's a pain I like though. I feel like this is something that was missing in my life. I'm glad I'm getting a taste of something other than my usual excessive independence. Yet it makes me feel more vulnerable to the effects of disappointment and loneliness.