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Hate and apathy


samadhiSheol

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I despise myself so much it's crazy.

I do stuff. I've done stuff. I've "lived". But it's all been unsatisfactory and inauthentic. Not that I'd know authenticity if it hit me over the head.

 I'm stuck in the same deadness I've felt ever since I started thinking for myself. I've been constantly irritable and disinterested in life for as long as I remember. Cynical, nihilistic, pessimistic. My attributes. No drive, skills, ambition, interests.. Never had dreams or aspirations. I just plod on through a pointless existence.  When I was younger I thought I'd end up somewhere along the line with some sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. I was wrong. 

I'm a disappointment. Unto myself and others too if they knew what I know.

I've never amounted to much and I'm a notorious underachiever and a constant quitter.  Oblomov could have been written about me. I just can't give a flying f.. about anything. Not enough to get a degree. Not enough for anything other than the tedium I do for a living .Menial tasks that are taking their toll on my 51 year old mind and body. I'm too old for change. I'm too sick(in the physical sense too) and fxxxed up. I just want to end this futile existence.

I can't do that though because I'm also a fxxxing coward.

Truth be told, I don't think I've ever truly had any will to live. Dead within.

I'm in hell. 

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"I'm a notorious underachiever and a constant quitter."  

Once again, thank you for having the guts to write what I feel.  It never ends, does it..

No more Like button?!

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No one should be where I am right now. I'm sorry that you feel the same, @TopekaK.

Now that I'm here I might as well rant.

How does knowing there are others feeling the same make one feel any better? If anything it makes me feel worse and more convinced that some of us will never get "better" (whatever the hell that means). For the same reason volunteer work would be a mistake for me. I can't stand seeing hardship and misery. The same people will be coming for bread tomorrow and the day after. It makes me feel even worse. Besides, people sap my energy even more than I sap myself. I don't like being around people for a length of time. 

I'm not even depressed. I've been a pessimist and and loser all my life. I've failed in just about every endevour I've put myself into. Oh yes, quitter.

Other than wanting to die and feeling bad about myself and nihilistic about everything, I share none of the characteristics connected with major depression or whatever the dsm 5 calls it. It's in my PERSONALITY to be depressed, avoidant, blank, empty, angry, inattentive. Some personality. Haha. Perhaps 50 000 years ago I might have had a function as the pessimistic cold blanket saving the rest of the tribe from sable-toothed tigers and whatnot with my pessimism, insomnia and in-bred fatalism and fear of the world.

As it stands in the 21st century I, with my non-existent skills, aspirations  and a multitude of  personality "defects", am redundant. No interests, no will to live. All there is is coping. And that isn't enough anymore. Fxxk that.

Yeah. What happened to the like button?? 

 

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