I despise myself so much it's crazy.
I do stuff. I've done stuff. I've "lived". But it's all been unsatisfactory and inauthentic. Not that I'd know authenticity if it hit me over the head.
I'm stuck in the same deadness I've felt ever since I started thinking for myself. I've been constantly irritable and disinterested in life for as long as I remember. Cynical, nihilistic, pessimistic. My attributes. No drive, skills, ambition, interests.. Never had dreams or aspirations. I just plod on through a pointless existence. When I was younger I thought I'd end up somewhere along the line with some sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. I was wrong.
I'm a disappointment. Unto myself and others too if they knew what I know.
I've never amounted to much and I'm a notorious underachiever and a constant quitter. Oblomov could have been written about me. I just can't give a flying f.. about anything. Not enough to get a degree. Not enough for anything other than the tedium I do for a living .Menial tasks that are taking their toll on my 51 year old mind and body. I'm too old for change. I'm too sick(in the physical sense too) and fxxxed up. I just want to end this futile existence.
I can't do that though because I'm also a fxxxing coward.
Truth be told, I don't think I've ever truly had any will to live. Dead within.
I'm in hell.