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Inhale & Hold

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Im still here.

I tried to delete my account (inquired about it I should say) 

I told myself that coming on here wasnt good for me. That it was just making me think more deeply, or whatever.

There were a couple of times where I had logged in, started a post and just deleted it. That voicr, the one we are meant to tell screw off - it beats me down. To the point that Ive convinced myself that reaching out does nothing.

But here I am again. With nowhere else to go and no one else to tell.

I've started acting more recklessly. I wouldnt say dangerously; but Im just asking for a reason to hate myself enough.. 

Not that I don't hate myself already. But im flirting with the choices that could change my life forever; and I know its not for the better. But Im still asking for it..

I saw my mom for the first time in almost 2 years today. Needless to say it went as expected. I dont want to go into it. Im tired of being into it.


And I understand that the only real advice I can get is to go and see a doctor; and I realise how immature and foolish it must seem that I still cant bring myself to go.

If I could only explain what it is that makes me think this way.

How it is exactly that I feel. The sense that it seems to make despite me knowing the opposite.

Ive spent my whole life thinking. Constantly thinking. Im afraid what happens when Ive run out of it all.

Im in the verge of nothing dangerous.. Ive not broken the proper ties I would need to to end this life.

But I feel im in the verge of something foolish. Which is the next worst thing.

I talked about it. Im not bottling it up. I just cant stop analyzing it. 

I feel as if im inhaling in anticipation for something else.

And it makes me incredibly sad that just saying it isnt enough.

But Im getting to that point of passing sadness.

I barely feel.


But Im still here...

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" There were a couple of times where I had logged in, started a post and just deleted it."  Yes, I do this all the time.

" I understand that the only real advice I can get is to go and see a doctor "   More often lately.  But, somedays, I hope to be surprised.  Of course, when I don't talk about anything, hard to be surprised...

" Ive spent my whole life thinking. "   Overthinking is bad.  Not thinking is worse.  How to balance?

" But Im still here... ."   yes, still here. Not much of a victory, but I take everything I can get.



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Oh, yea,sorry, skipped the real reason I commented above.  Have not seen a "account delete".  But, I have seen folks edit every post they made and delete content.  Quite manual, but does work.  Then there is the "set password to something random" and you won't be able to log in again. 

But, will leaving help?  don't get me wrong.  A good rage quit can be theraputical.  But then what? 

I think I joined back in 2000 or so.  I don't come back here thinking that there are magic answers.  It is good to get some peer review and see that we are not alone or that our problems are unique etc...  And seriously, this site is depressing itself, so not visiting for a while can be a good thing.  (nothing against this site, but depressing people are depressing.  Wallowing in it does not really help)

Every now and then, small groups form and support each other.  It's been a while since I got some random folks together, we got to know each other and talk thru some sh!t.  Funny thing.   Most of them must get what they came for because they work thru some stuff and life gets better for them.  (not all at once...and usually two steps forward, one step back)  And when they don't come back often, I miss them, but know that they are better. 

So, like many things in life, it's what you make of it.  It can take work.  (more work than I want to do right now), but this community can be of great help.

There is always PM if you don't feel comfortable posting publicly. 


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