Even the optimist find themselves having bad days/weeks. The hitaus concided with my leave and since my return back at work about 2.5 weeks ago, it has been madness. I wonder at times if I am experiencing a burn out from work. I find myself at a loss for words and yet feel so pent up with negative emotions, yearning for a release. For my long term sanity, I know I need an alternative plan because if I stay on too long, I might end up choosing the leave the sector totally. It is no wonder that the social services constantly face difficulties with retention. It is often an area that is being promised by governments but not accorded with sufficient funds for the people to carry out these promises. You end up with an over-taxed system trying to meet the increased promise. Over time, even people with the best of interest and the fiercest of passion find their flames put out because there isn't room to breathe. I am tired, physically and emotionally as I reach my 5th year mark in the sector, trying so hard to give and recieving nothing but complaints and "verbal abuse" from disgruntled clients because they disagree with the system.
With all the constant and rapid changes unfolding before my eyes, I wonder how long I can hold onto my sanity before I become disillusioned and traumatised by simply trying to do my job to bring social change in society. For a start, my concept of relationship and parenting have been challenged so violently over the years that I struggle to concieve the notion that I can avoid the circumstances and vices of the families I serve.
I am human and my capacity to give is limited. I know that if I am selfish enough to advocate for my own well-being and sanity, I need to find the courage to leave a comfort zone and to venture into another area of the sector - one that accords more predictability, less volatility and greater locus of control. The burning flames of passion to give, as it is so commonly described and prescribed by new graduates entering the sector, can be extinguished. Here I stand today, torn betwen remaining in my comfort zone and preserving my sanity.