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Counseling Pt 1.



Since the last time I posted about seeing a counselor, I have no seen her since.  I have had to keep canceling because I have had no money to catch an Uber or Lyft to the center, as well as no money to pay her.  She said if I can't pay her all the time, that is fine and the center is run by volunteers so it is more like a "Donation" but somehow that makes me feel worse. I can't allow someone to sit and listen to me cry about my life for an hour and a half and not pay them. I don't know. I won't be able to see her this week either. That's two weeks, no counseling. Then I lost my phone last weekend so I worry she has been texting me asking if I will make it to the appointment even though I used my brother's phone last week and had the secretary leave her a message that I would not be able to make it. I feel like I am wasting her time, it's just hard to get there because of costs.On top of that, it has only been one meeting with her so far but I still feel like she won't be able to help me. Maybe that is my depression talking but I don't know if she is the right fit for me? Our first meeting was hectic because I had anxiety attacks the whole time I was talking to her and she kept having to help me breathe. It's hard to talk to someone when you think they are silently judging you. Its hard to open up to a stranger. 

This place is a non-profit organization that offers health and other services to women of all backgrounds at low cost.  It is run by volunteers and the counselors are all students working  to finish Grad school in psych services.  The volunteers at the center seemed judgmental. After my appointment I sat in the lobby waiting for my Uber and I noticed some of them were staring at me and giving me weird looks and that kinda solidified my thought that it it might not be the best fit for me.  They are just volunteer's, not professionals. My counselor is still in school.  She is nice but I think I need someone more seasoned and I need an environment that is handled with more tact.  I was still riddled with anxiety and fighting tears after our appointment, I heard someone else crying her eyes out in another room  somewhere in obvious grief and there the volunteers are joking about in the lobby and being so casual and nonchalant about things. I just feel like in this type of environment it wasn't right.

I remember when I had heath insurance I was able to go to a Psychologist at a therapy center and the vibe was completely different. The lobby was quieter, more respectful and I felt more safe and not like there was a spotlight on me. 

I think I will call her this week and tell them I will not return.  As much as I love the services they provide and how affordable they are...it's not right for me. 

So this means I will be back to the struggle of having no insurance and not being able to afford a licensed therapist. 

It feels hopeless. 

One of my friends told me I should at least give them a second try, but I don't know. The impression they left on me doesn't make me want to go back. 

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Sometimes counseling/therapy works regardless who is listening. Marshall Mcluhan, a media philosopher, once said 'utterings are outerings' meaning simply vocalising things can lead to discoveries about yourself. I'd make going a priority but there is no salvation in it, its just another tool for discovery and building momentum.

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