I want more than anything a friend that I can call, message or text at any moment and let know that I am feeling down and they will support me. I have no friends that I can do that with right now. I have no friends that will come to my house and sit with me while I cry. I have no friends I feel comfortable enough crying to. I think about what has happened to me in life and scoff at the idea of sharing that with someone. In the past people have looked upon me with pity, disbelief and awkwardness. Not everyone deserves to know your truth but when you are lonely like me and longing for connection to another human being you will say anything to bridge that gap. I have thrown myself out there so many times only to get burned time and time again. I have found that most people don't want to know about you on such levels. I don't want superficial friendships anymore. I want friends that I can actually go to for support and guidance. I don't even want to reach out to people anymore because there is no way to know how they will react. I'm tired of that. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to keep friends. I know I tend to cut people off as soon as they make a mistake because I am tired of being disappointed in people. Someone told me never to expect anything and that way you will never be disappointed. I am not expecting anything, I am hopeful and then I am disappointed. Maybe me cutting people off doesn't help but I hold my friends in high regards because I rarely let people in. I don't trust easily. How can I?
Maybe I do expect a lot out of people...but if I'm a friend to you I will do everything to help you.
Why can't people do the same for me?