I haven't been around much, simply because I am having a difficult week and words have escaped me. It all started go downhill when you are assaulted at work by the very clients you are trying to assist. It was traumatising and I am not going into detail. But this period has also allowed me to reflect on the progress I have made. Sure, I was filled with intense fear and anxiety. For a few days, i couldn't speak about the incident and I avoided everything to do with it.
Nonetheless, I know I have learned to be nice to myself and allow myself space to grief and to acknowledge the unpleasant things in life. I still struggle to know how I really feel about the incident and whether the numbness is just a way of protecting myself. I think I am okay because I can still function, but I am not sure if it is just resilience or avoidance. But I take comfort in knowing that I find other ways to deal with my emotions, to express my fears and worries - through Art.
I guess the next few weeks will be a difficult time, just because someone decided that you needed to be 'taught a lesson' when you are just out there to do your job. Even though I have always seen myself as being fearless out in the field meeting with clients who are at their most vulnerable, I acknowledge that I am shaken. I am filled with a heart of thanksgiving for the space at work to seek recovery from a traumatic event. I am still struggling to acknowledge how the incident I have experienced could be traumatic as it appeared so harmless, but I view it as an assault. Throwing stuff at people is not okay, even if there is no injury.
I know I am still filled with anxiety because I can feel my heart racing, my stomach knotted and my thoughts floating. I know I am affected as I step back and allow myself to be in-tune with my own bodily sensation. In many ways, I am thankful for my job because in helping people to cope with their own emotions and issues, I have unconsciously learned methods of understanding my own emotions and learning to recognise when you are not feeling okay. I know there is a level of avoidance there and it's scary, but I pray that I would find the courage to face it so that I can move on and seek recovery from a traumatic event.
And to end it off, I am pen-ing this down in hopes that I will look back at this a few weeks from now and see the progress, regardless of how big or small, in learning to deal with difficult feelings and emotions; and in how I deal with difficult situations in life. Because even after recovery, there are many instances that can trigger another episode if we don't look after ourselves and if we are not vigilant.