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No one wants my pain.


cheshire_chick

788 views

screaming.jpg

And why should anyone?

It is mine.

And when I am laughing, or giving advice, or flirting; then I am wanted. I am fantastic and worthy of your time. When I smile and give and lie I am worthy. When I'm hiding, and medicating, and sedating; I'm worth it. When I'm fun, I am worth it.

But not when I'm crying. Not when my arms are bleeding or I'm screaming at the walls. Not when I haven't slept in three days and cannot function. Not when I can't think, because all of the thoughts I didn't ask for are taking up all of the room in my head. Not when I don't know what to do, alone, with all of these feelings and inclinations toward not wanting to live anymore. This is not when I'm wanted. This is not happy. This is not entertaining, and this is not fun. But this is me. And this is unworthy.

I remember as a kid, my father used to yell at me or threaten to "slap that look off [my] f**king face" when I cried. It was usually him that had started it. Even with friends; they'll spend hours gaming and chatting with me, but ignore me as soon as I am honest about what I am dealing with. Even if it's a partial disclosure or hinting at my despondency, it's enough to make me no longer worth their time (in the way I had been previously). I remember when my (ex) fiance stopped talking to me like he used to, like when I was a close part of his family. He stopped wanting to listen. We were together over eight years, we were planning a family and a wedding. And I guess he ended up not wanting my pain either.

No one does. I can't talk to my parents. I can't talk to my ex, even though I live with him. I have no best friend, no close siblings, not even really any friends... Those that I am able to spend time with, well they are only around because of my first premise. The things I am worth to other people.

I am whole, and I accept who I am, and I live with myself every day. But not a single other person does. No one is in my universe, no one hears me - even when I'm screaming. I can't take being here any more, so often, that it's all I can do to make sure I'm not sober, or not awake. As soon as I'm real, as soon as I share myself - people leave. Whether they have been there for years and love me, or whether we just recently became friends. They back out, if I haven't already...

Everyone wants my laughter, my spark, and my smile. But nobody wants my pain. The thing that consumes me and fills me more than any other factor in my entire soul at this point in time. That's not worthy of anyone's time.

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You are wanted here either way. So worthy. People just dont know what to do with us when we are pulled into our cyclone. Others may be in their own. 

You are loved and valued by many here.

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