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The Martyr 10/11/05

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S. ended up sending a pretty harsh e-mail to EX blasting him for sharing his personal life with Pinkie, and she told him he needs to leave me alone. He wrote her back and included this paragraph..."I have been in a very difficult position with all of my family andfriends from the very beginning, but since I put myself here, I cannotcomplain and just have to take it. I have lost all of my friends becausethey only hear one side of the story and it is a sad story, again I donot complain because I did this. I was not looking for her emotionalsupport and she was asking the questions. I care very much about her andwant her to stop hurting, but it seems that it just keeps going. I amnot clueless, rather extremely sorry and have said it a million timesbut it does not seem to matter."EX is definitely playing up the martyr angle, which he did with me when he was pouring out his troubles with his girlfriend. Yes, he has said he was sorry, but he seems to think having said that erases any hurtful thing he does in the present or will do in the future. If EX has a side of the story, it is his own fault if he doesn't choose to reach out to his friends and tell it. The fact that he says the hurt "just seems to keep going" shows how clueless he is about his own actions. He and I could never be real friends without both of us having a ton of professional therapy, and even then it would probably be better if we weren't. I'm glad he said he is going to keep his distance. I hope that he will get to the point someday where he remembers how to have compassion for other people. Too late for me--but maybe not for others. For 20 years, he and I have been tangled up in love, hate, confusion, depression, etc. Now I know it is time for me to untangle. It hurts because I love him, but I know I will hurt longer and deeper if I don't do it. Neither of us is all bad or all good. I just know we're bad together. That is painful to write.

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