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But Baby It's Lukewarm Outside



It's a little after 1 am here, and I'm feeling pretty restless. I've been eating more in the latter part of the day than the morning, so I'm back to being up half the night and sleepy all morning long. My pdoc put me on a pill that was supposed to make me very tired. Ironically, I'm usually very tired and this pill has had no affect on me in that respect at all. But I'm getting to that point again where I'm starting to resent taking pills. Why should I pay for these pills and take them each night, and then I still feel the same? Same anxiety, same OCD, same fatigue, same irritability. At some point in the not so distant future, I will have been on every pill on the market, and then what?

As our move-in date draws nearer, we've been going back and forth to the new house to drop off boxes. Getting ready for the move is as stressful as it is exciting. There's so many things I want to buy for the house, but we only have so much money. I just want it to look nice, since this will be our first real home together (as opposed to this crappy apartment), and I'm a perfectionist by nature. Also, I really hate packing. It's agonizing, and it takes me a long time. My husband has done way more than I have, but to be fair he has way more stuff as well. We seem to be making decent progress, anyhow. The movers will get the rest.

Christmas is another thing that has me feeling ambivalent. I love the whole idea of Christmas, and all the nostalgia and pageantry. I love the decorations and the classic tv specials and baking. But these days it feels like something is missing. This is the time of year I most consider having a child. I would love to do all the fun Christmas things with a little girl or boy, experience the magic of Santa through their eyes, and build family memories. My husband doesn't celebrate Christmas, my sister who loves the holidays is not around to hang out with that much, and my parents and older sister just depress me. My mom seems so sluggish and dazed since her dementia diagnosis. I don't know if it's the pills or the dementia taking its toll, but her old personality is almost gone. My dad has been a big help with doing lots of jobs for us around the new house, but we've never been close and more often than not when he calls me it's to vent about my mom and my older sister, whom he clashes with and she also has psychiatric problems and has to be taken care of as if she's a child when she's nearly 40. So spending time with the three of them is hardly ever fun and actually stresses me out and depresses me most of the time.

I'm hoping I'll be imbued with more of the Christmas spirit as the day draws near. My husband is off Christmas Eve (which also happens to be the first night of Channukah this year, which he does celebrate), so maybe we can do something festive together. Then, to the vocal disappointment of my in-laws, we're spending Christmas day with my family at my younger sister's house. Hopefully it will be a good time. Then just a few days later, we move into the new house. Things should go smoothly there as well. Fingers crossed.

To end this on a optimistic note, I am looking forward to the walks at the park adjacent to the new house. There are some bridges over a lake (or pond? I don't know) that looks very picturesque with all the trees behind it. We walked around a bit, which was my first long walk in weeks. My goal is to start back up with a healthy diet and exercise in the new year.


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