Yesterday was kind of an up and down day...luckily the lows weren't too low and the highs weren't too high. I had an appt with my pdoc to discuss my med situation, so I was ready for that to happen. My appt was supposed to be at 11:30. I got there on time and waited...and waited...and waited. She finally came out at 12:15...and then she didn't even call me, she called the girl who was apparently in line before me. I got really worked up and p**sed off...I like my pdoc, but I was seething about the fact that she somehow managed to get an hour behind schedule after only being at work for 3 hours. It struck me as really unprofessional. Maybe I've been spoiled a bit by doctors generally being on time for their appointments, but having to wait over an hour really bothered me. I didn't have anything else to do yesterday, but I still couldn't help getting mad. I mean, what if I was on my lunch break? I would have been totally d*cked at work. Luckily, I had my girlfriend texting with me the whole time and talking me down and chilling me out. So I didn't end up showing my ass...so there's that, lol.
When I finally got back to see her, I couldn't help commenting on the long ass wait, and I jokingly asked her what the hell she was doing to make people wait over an hour for their appointments. I think I embarrassed her, and I instantly felt bad...I mean I really like this woman and she likes me, and she has bent over backward to help me in more than one way. So I joked it off and told her I didn't have sh*t to do today anyway, I was just breaking her balls. I got my way about my meds with a minimum of fuss...she tried to push ativan on me, as usual, and as usual, I had to tell her two or three times that I hate benzos and won't take them. She also tried to tell me I needed to add another antidepressant to the half-dose of remeron I'm taking now. I told her that my depression is totally under control right now, so I don't want to fool with my meds again for no reason. Especially not for the damn experimental new antidepressant that the FDA jammed through the approval process. I even got some extra belsomra out of her for free, cuz I told her some nights I have to double down with it to sleep. So all in all, other than the ridiculous wait, it was a good experience.
My girl went to bed early last night, and I ended up staying up till about 3:30am...it was a strange experience, honestly. I've come to rely on her...it's not co-dependence, it's more like she's my sense of balance. I felt a little adrift last night without her to talk to. I was fine, I still am fine...I'm glad I recognized this about myself. I love that we talk all the time and are pretty much in constant contact, but I've got to make sure that I'm going to be just fine whether she's around or not. I'm sure that emotional health and stability was part of what attracted her to me in the first place, so I don't want to lose that quality. I need to be very careful not to become too dependent on her. Not because I couldn't, but because I don't want her to ever feel like she has to prop me up all the time, or I'll fall down. I need to always be able to stand on my own two feet. If I can keep that in mind - and do it - it'll keep the relationship healthy and I'll stay attractive to her on all levels, which is important too.
Long blog post. Must pee. Bye.